Leia nodded slowly.

"Yes... I am. I am used to you being... this way. Just as you said, critical. More critical of yourself than everyone else put together.

I can't really explain that to you, so you'll sort of have to let it ride if you don't understand. You could say however that I have stopped trying to win arguements with you about whether you do something or other good or not. That was making more hurt than good, and if you want my support, you know where to find it..."

She had known, somehow she had known that Leia had felt that way, just as how Leia had known how she felt, they both knew what the other was used to. However, Amalia knew that it had not always been this way. Things had been different once before, nice, better than now, Amalia missed that. She did not know if Leia missed any of it.

"I'm not the same person I used to be, it's like I've been replaced with someone else. The me I used to be is still there, it's just lost."

A wry look crossed Amalia's face as she looked at Leia.

"If I came to you for support, would you understand? Would you understand that my means for being critical just does not come out of thin air, and that there is a means for them. Would you understand that I say the things I do because I am bothered and that being honest is the best I could ever do...."

"My perspective is different than most. I observe what others do not notice. More bad than good, however, that does not mean that I purposely look for the bad..."

She held onto Leia's gaze for a long moment and then continued.

"You ever wonder about your past, what you had and why it's not there anymore, in the present? You had something you remember, but now in the present, that something is still there, but just different now? Like something you had from your past is now lost and is now being replaced in the present with something different, new?"

Yet you can't seem to bring yourself to work with what is now different, because you remember how it used to be, and now it's all changed? You still know that what was back then, there was nothing wrong with what you had, and now in the present, it's just gone or different, just because, that's just the way it is?

Amalia's face turned hard.

It is painful, because it means you have to remember. You have to let go, you have no choice because you can't get back what you lost. You try to get back what you lost because there should be no reason for it to be gone. It is just something that happened, a turn of events that made it so.

Her face went soft, and then impassive after a moment.

"I don't want to be lost. I don't want to be who I am today, I want who i used to be. Who I am now, it's ugly to me, it's disturbing. Not just to myself but others too. However, I'm not the only one that's lost and now different..."

She raised an eyebrow at Leia.

"...Because I know what used to be. So Leia, I do know you, and you know me. What you once knew, is still there, in me, likewise with you.."

"..I'm determined to find myself again because it's just not fair to be so different and so new and still not be me, but I need help. I can't do it on my own. I want you to remember who I was and not the person I've become. I want to do the same with you, because you're more than what I see in you now. I know it's there because I remember it."

She knew without a doubt, most likely, Leia would have no idea what she was talking about. Though for the first time, it did not bother her if leia did not understand, as long as she hear her. As long as she spoke her mind and she let Leia know how she felt, and that she was honest, because that was the best thing a friend could do. The other friend did not always have to understand, so long as they listened and they were there.

Interesting, isn't it? Odd? It's all honest though, it's how I feel. What about you? How do you feel? Can you tell me how you feel? Or would you rather walk footsteps around me, still tell me how you feel, but not the way you would want to speak the truth? Tell me how you feel in the way you think I could take it best? Because...I'm sensative, is that not the way you do it? I sure hope not. I hope that you give it to me straight. I hope you speak your mind the way you want to speak it, reguardless of how it'll make me feel....Because you know what, Leia? Saying it how you want to say it is the best way you can go. Because it's as honest as you can get, as truthful as you can get.

OOC: They say it's not always good to mix IC with OOC. However, my purpose is served. What you wanted from me is given, all right there. *points up* 'cept for one thing, which will not fit in the rp.

"I've..... had things.... that change, and I can never, ever get back, Amalia. That, is worse in some ways, and better in others.

So... maybe I look at this with a little more optimism than you might.

I live for the future, not the past. I don't really look at this as returning to what we were, as much as becoming what we want to be.

I don't understand everything you or anyone else tells me, but when did I ever? Same with you. It isn't always important.

So I don't pretend to understand everything you present to me here.

But I do understand some things, maybe most things, more than you know.

You knowing that... is part of the change you wish to undergo, I think.

This change, I understand. I've sought it myself, found a desireable outcome.

If you seek the same, I will go at your side through your journey. Offer you my support, my spirit, whatever I can.

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> As for whether this is the truth. I have changed, Amalia. A lot. As I said, this will become evident to you with time.

Look at me now. Stare me in the eye. Look inside me. You find an answer, I give it freely. Look at it. Feel it. I give you the truth, blunt and pure. Feel it.<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

Leia relapsed into silence, stared deep and contemplatively at Amalia. There was a glint of challenge, and curiosity in her eye, her aura was calm and earnest.

"I live for the future, just as you do...However, the past can catch up with you. It is not often easy, to let go, move on. It takes longer for some than others..."

"...No, it is not always important that you understand. I'm slowly learning to figure that out on my own. I think what is more important to me, is that I am heard and listened to. That whatever I say is acknowledged, even if it is not understood. Sometimes, I do not know if I am heard, I mean I don't see it, nor feel it, even if the acknowledgment is there..."

Pretend?..No, I don't see you as the pretending type. I see you as careful, because you're afraid maybe that what you'll say will hurt me, offend me, disturb me, I'll take it negatively...That can't be avoided, happens to everyone.

My sensativity is not an easy thing to deal with, but I must learn to deal with it. I need to learn to take whatever is said to me in stride, and not always to heart. I am just realizing that now, and it is something I plan to do...slowly

"I'm still looking to be content with myself. If I can't do that, than I don't think others can be content with me either."

...I notice change. Learning to deal with a change in another person, is not easy. Sometimes is causes lose of a person because the change is not wanted or not accepted by another...

Amalia shook her head.

I don't like losing people because I could not learn to accept change, their change. I've lost one friend because I could not accept his change...because I thought him wrong ..still do...and now...he's gone...

Amalia knew Leia knew who Amalia spoke of.

...and I'M NOT going to lose another friend. It's not my place to change what I don't like in my friends. I accept their change or I don't. I can accept it, or come close to accepting because it's not worth losing friends. Perhaps I don't have to accept change but learn to grow and work with change.

Amalia looked back at her. Her stare just as deep. She stared back at Leia for a long time.

Give me a chance to deal with change. Give me a chance to know who you are, what you've become and will continue to become. With change comes growth. Give me a chance to tell you that I'm sorry for being so critical toward you, that I don't mean to hurt you by shoving negativity your way....Let me show you that I can see the good things too...

The darkness is a lonely place to be...I did not/don't mean to leave you in the dark. It is hard to give to you what I could so easily once give you, my communication....

It is time for a clean slate. I want to start over, not the same way, not from the beginning of what used to be. I want to start over...new...fresh....There is no other way to do it and I think we can both work with starting over...

Leia nodded.

"That's why we're here, Amalia. That's why we're here..."

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> For the both of us...<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

The rest of their meal was finished in relative silence, though they were almost done anyways, that conversation had taken a long time.

Leia glanced at her chronometer casually, then handed something to the droid so that it could attend to their bill.

It wasn't until the droid returned and handed Leia back her card, that she grinned at Amalia and then rose from her seat.

"My treat, and too late to argue. Come on, let's do some exploring before it gets too late. You may not have to, but I for one have to get up early in the morning."

Soon again they were traversing the busy streets of the night life of Corellia.

A sudden thought twinged Leia's mind.

"How is that second baby doing? I never got to hear what happened...."

Second baby?

Amalia's eyes went wide for a moment, she had obviously never told Leia that she was going to have twins. She had had her twins, and they had both been born healthy, for the most part.

She smiled lightly at Leia, shaking her head.

"Not baby...babies. One boy and one girl. I had twins. The boy's name is Alexander and the girl's name is Alexia..."

Her smile faded, sadness crossing her face.

"They're both beautiful children, Leia. I don't know where I would be without them. Alexander was born perfectly healthy. Alexia...was not so lucky...she's blind, you'd never notice it though, it's like she can see without her eyes."

She decided to change the subject slightly, she still had not become used to talking about Alexia yet, and it was still quite painful for her.

"Lono gets along great with the babies. I miss my children often, I don't get to see them as much as I would like to. They grow up so fast it seems. The children's nanny sees my children more than I do, it would seem..."

She frowned a bit, looking at Leia.

"Don't you ever think about having a family of your own, Leia?
I can't imagine myself not having a family, it's wonderful."

Leia smiled as Amalia told her of the babies, but that smile faded as Leia wondered why the matter of Alexia would pain Amalia.

That wasn't her business, and maybe she just wouldn't know anyways until she was a mother herself. She pushed the thoughts out of her mind. But Amalia's next question brought her right back to a similar track of thought.


"Me? I uh, well...

I've imagined settling down, having a family. That opportunity was offered to me way back, in my last days with Han Solo before I um, left.

I chose not to. It wasn't my path yet. It still isn't. I am quite content with where I am now, for many reasons. Sure, I could have a family. But my kids, probably even my husband would see me even less than yours do. I wouldn't be a good mother.

So, I just don't think about it, maybe one day... maybe not."

Leia shrugged.

Amalia just shook her head a little bit.

"Ah, Leia, you don't know what you're missing!"

She smiled thoughtfully.

"Though, I suppose you can't really miss something like that, if you've never had it, huh?"

"Well, I hope you'll get to be able to experience family life one day...."

"..speaking of family, have you seen any of your relatives as of late?"

"I've... seen Luke from time to time, when we both happen to be at the academy at the same time.

Spoke to Han not too long ago, but that was about business...

I've just been busy. I don't really make a conscious effort to see any of my relations like Han, or Hanna, they may be members of that which I do have left, but... they're still strangers to me.

Luke too, he's my brother, but growing up I never knew he existed. It's great to see him when I do, but nobody I visit within the family, uh, no...."

They had meanwhile been headed back to the buildings Leia's apartments were in, and now they entered the building and began the trek to her 'home'.

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> Ugh, this is hard to put into words...<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

"Let's try it this way. All that I knew and loved died fighting for the cause that I was born to uphold.

I know I've told you this many times before, but please, bear with me.

This cause was, and is, my work. The Republic, the Jedi. I lost family to it, but I gained family because of it. So, I don't mourn, and it never really bothers me that I don't visit my looser family ties much. I have more than enough to be happy. Maybe by doing this I've made a sacrifice.

I don't know. I don't want to know."

They had reached her door now, Leia unlocked it and stepped inside. She grunted, and tossed her jacket into a chair that sat out of the way and was least likely to be used.

"Speaking of work... it calls me now...."

She sat down on the couch and knocked the pillow off of the table, then picked up that which the pillow had been hiding while simultaneously kicking off her boots.

"Anyways, it may try your patience, or irritate you. For that I apologize, but..."

She waved a datacard at Amalia.

"This is what I know. I have to do this. And not just because someone in some office somewhere who never sees the sky says I do."

She had curled up into a corner of the couch, but her gaze burned fiercly at Amalia. It questioned her. And Amalia knew what Leia wanted. Leia wanted to know if that was good enough for her.

Leia had said the equivalent of the same thing countless times to Amalia. But each time, Amalia interpreted it differently, likewise the other way around. Leia was not angry, irritated, or riled. Just... there, at the moment.

She slid a datacard into her reader and began to read, watching Amalia closely out of the corner of her eye, still waiting for a response.

strangers....

Amalia had never taken Leia's family ties in this way. Howeverm it was true, all the family that she had now were not family that she had known all her life.

They had been people before they corssed paths with Leia. They not knowing her, she not knowing them. Perhaps it just was not the same for her.

Amalia silently wondered if Leia missed the man she knew as her father, before she knew the truth. The man that had raised her. Who had taught her to grow up in a world, filled with nothing but work, and royalty, Bail.

That was her family, back on her homeworld. That was what she knew, those people were not strangers to her. Even if they were not by blodd, they were still her family. Family that she no longer had.


Amalia refused to believe that it was just her work, that there was more to it. Leia's words seemed a bit out of place to Amalia, like there was more to the story, a small something missing, but a big thing in Leia's eyes. It just did not exactly make sense to Amalia....but almost.

She identified more with what was back home, who she was, before the truth came to unfold. That was all real to her, what she knew.

Today...

What was new, she could not identify with. The Skywalkers were new, but they weren't her. They knew nothing of her. Those back home knew who she really was, those back home had grown up with her. They were gone now though and so was her home, all she had left were memories.

Maybe Leia did not wish to let go of what was who she knew to be. Sure the Skywalkers were family, but they weren't there from the beginning. All they knew was what Leia told them, and they could not relate to who she was, they could only try to because they had not lived the same life as she had, as most families did.

Their lives had been different.

Bail's had been the same as Leia's. Bail had taught Leia all that he knew so that she could follow in his footsteps.

Footsteps that Amalia could not identify with. Maybe if she had grown up along with Leia, maybe she would understand what her life was like. However, she hadn't, and Leia had not grown up in what you could call a normal family house hold, like Amalia had.

So this time when Amalia's eyes swept over Leia as she read...

No look of irritation was found, no look of impatience was found....

Instead a look of recognition had been achieved. A look of realization. A look that said she understood.

A thin smile fell across her lips after a moment, and she spoke softly.

"It is good enough for me....It is not what I know, but you do....If doing what you know makes you happy and content, then I am happy as well and I will do my best to accept what it is you know..."