..She did not answer. Leia would not answer.

Why?

If Leia would not do it, then Amalia would.

"I did not know what to say."

She looked Leia directly in the eyes, though it was difficult.

"..But I want to talk about it..."

Leia knew that Amalia was no longer beating around the bush.

"..I want to know how you feel. I wish you'd tell me. I know you know why I came here."

Her eyes pleaded with Leia.

"Please talk to me."

Leia's eyes narrowed.

"I would have talked to you. I always would have. But you never let me. Every time I would open my mouth to tell you how I felt or what I thought, you would always draw these wild assumptions about me, and I never would get to talk. You'd already be getting upset and having whatever... <!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> reaction<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->... you were going to have for the day.

Like now. You didn't wait for me to say anything, you just assumed. And then you went off on the whole paper thing. I never did get to talk. Yet somehow, you thought you already knew what was going on in my head, and you reacted accordingly. And what you thought was going on, was not going on at all.

The Leia you think you know is in your imagination. The Leia you make assumptions about to generate this image of me in your imagination, is not the real me. The Leia you know and the real me are two totally different things. The Leia you think you know forgot about the letter, just like she would, is not the real me. That Leia didn't care enough to remember, right? Yeah. Well, I cared. I remembered. You were wrong. You just didn't pay enough attention, long enough to find that out.

Oh yes, you ask about my feelings, emotions, and thoughts, you always did. The problem is, you never listen to my reply. You just assume you know the answer, and you don't listen. You've always done that. You refuse to see me as a different person than the one in your head, as the person I really am. Do you really care to know who I am? Do you really want to listen to everything I have to say?

Maybe it wasn't me who never cared and never listened. Maybe... it was you, because in order for you to listen, to care completely, would be to destroy that little image of me you carry around in your head. And that, well, would be disastrous to your little world."

Leia's eyes flashed. Her voice had been growing in intensity, and now she screamed the last part at Amalia.

"<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> Do you<!--EZCODE ITALIC END--> even care?"

"I..."


Such words, such powerful words. Leia was right, how could she be so right?

She did not dare speak, she knew not what to say. She too was afraid.

Never once did she cry in front of Leia, never once, but she found herself doing so now.

Perhaps it was not because of what Leia had said, perhaps it was more because she had kept all of her own frustrations with Leia inside, and now, now she could no longer hold onto those frustrations.

Tears fell down her cheeks, in streams, but she turned away from Leia.

She fell to her knees, cradled herself.

How could she get so upset over this?? What the hell was wrong with her???

"I do care.."

She said it over and over again, but who knew if Leia could make out what she was saying through her tears.

The anger ebbed, and dissipated.

Leia had just vented off the worst of her anger, and as she watched Amalia's reaction to her outburst, she was easily able to neutralize the lingering hateful emotion within her mind.

A calmness replaced the anger.

"You do care...?"

Leia echoed Amalia only once, and thoughtfully continued to watch her sob and mutter for a moment. Leia leaned against the door frame, her arms crossed in front of her.

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> Things should not be this way...

It doesn't matter where the blame lies anymore, who did what. It only matters what can be done.<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

"Amalia..." Leia started softly, partly to get her attention, and partly to signal that she had control of herself again.

"This can't keep happening.

But... I think something just happened here that hasn't happened before..."

Leia's expression was one of sorrow and concern as she looked over at Amalia, who was still on the floor but quiet now.

"Amalia..."

Leia's soft tone was taken note of, and Amalia's frustration began to lighten, though it was not for Leia's tone alone that made the Jedi Master quiet down. It was also her own thoughts.

We disagree too much, always believing that the other is wrong. Why can't we just agree that we disagree? Because I am tired, and I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of pointing fingers and running around in circles with our relationship all the time. I deserve better and so does she. I don't want to defend myself anymore, and I don't think she does either. I do want to talk, and I want her to let me in, just as she wants me to let her in.

Amalia slowly turned her head to look up at Leia, the tears still fresh on her cheeks.

"So where do we go from here then?"

"On a new path."

Leia moved over to the couch, seeming to pick her way across the room carefully with slow, deliberate steps. She let herself drop onto the sofa upon reaching it.

"We've been trying too hard to make our problems go away."

Leia avoided looking at Amalia entirely. Instead, she leaned her head back against the couch and stared at the ceiling.

"...we're trying to hard to fix problems which aren't really problems at all, but are merely facts that aren't necessarily good, but have to be accepted and adjusted to anyways."

Leia sat up and leaned forward.

"Like..."

She was quiet for a moment, as if trying to compose carefully what she was about to say.

"You sometimes ask, expect, far more of me than I can give."

Leia sighed.

"All I can say is that, to this date I have not been able to fully open my mind to you. I still can't. I know how badly you want me to. And I know you don't understand why I can't and won't, which is a full issue within itself, but... you are still the one I am the most open with of everyone. Maybe that isn't all that you hoped for, that you wanted, but... I can't do any better, I've tried. Maybe I'm not ready to give what you ask. I don't know if I'll ever be. Or maybe I just can't. When you ask me to open my mind and spirit to you, you just don't know what you're asking, and I can't tell you what you are asking.


You don't have to understand why. I can't explain it. I've tried to, as you know, but... it can't be done.

Just please accept it as it is. Stop pushing me. Every time you do, I just feel as though another wall has come up between us because I have to shut you out even more to..."

Leia trailed off, and fell silent. Her gaze fell to Amalia.

Amalia did not try to pretend that she was not hurt when Leia did not look at her as she spoke. When her gaze finally did fall on Amalia, nothing of any type of emotion crossed Amalia's face.

She stared back at Leia for several minutes, in silence. It was in those several minutes that Amalia realized that she was not only hurt, but she was also angry. She felt betrayed.

It was not like Amalia to ever become angry. She'd never fell into the path of the Darkside in the heat of battle and she certainly had not ever expected to hold such emotions when around Leia.

Nevertheless, the Jedi Master tried to keep her cool as she spoke to Leia, but her voice gave off just the opposite.

She was still on the floor, her head now turned sharply away from Leia.

Damn her. How the hell could she sit there and say that to her? How was she supposed to accept the one thing that she desired most from and within Leia?

Damn.

Amalia stood up, leaving her back to Leia, though she had not wanted to. She was being bitter.

Her body tensed up, she closed her eyes, and she could feel those negative emotions coming through. Those emotions that she promised herself would never come, because she was a Jedi.

New path my foot!

She could not stop herself, the anger, the frustration, betrayl. It was all there, perhaps not all of the emotions of the Darkside, but there were enough there. Leia could feel them, if not by her presence, then in the expression of her words.

She could not do it, she wanted Leia to see her face. She opened her eyes only to turn sharply around to face Leia. Her facial features were set hard, and she was as heated as anyone could possibly be.

"Tell me something...I want you to tell me just who the hell I have to be now! Because who I am...just does not cut it when in your presence!"

Amalia shook her head, throwing her arms up just slightly.

"I have tried so hard to open myself up to you, and I have, with much difficulty."

Her eyes narrowed at Leia, her face fuming with anger.

"..and you know damn well how hard that is for me! Opening up means that you have to give something of yourself, something that's so hard to give. It means that you have to trust, that you have to put your trust in someone else. If you can give that, then that means that you believe that that one person you put your trust in, won't hurt you. Once you give something like that, you can't easily take it back."

Amalia's anger slowly subsided, and a look of sadness and sorrow crossed her face.

"...You can say it any old way you like, but the truth is still there. You don't trust me, not completely. Yet here you sit, telling me to accept things as they are. I can't do that...

Because it means that if I do, I've given up. It is not fair to me, nor to you. For you to sit there and tell me that this is how it is!

She could feel tha frustration coming back again.

Damn it, Leia!

She found herself pausing, as she raised her hands to cover her face for a moment because the tears had found their place back into Amalia's eyes once more.

Yet as she removed her hands, only one tear fell from her eyes, slowly it fell. It was not just any old tear, it was a tear filled with rememberance, something Leia did not like to dwell upon.

In Amalia's mind, Amalia seemed to find all of the things that would make her good enough. She found all the things that would let Leia know that she cared, and that she could be trusted.

Her voice wavered as she held back her tears.

"The Leia that I hold within my own imagination is all that I have, because the real Leia that I know, won't let me in. She won't let me in because she's afraid, because there's a part of her that just does not trust me. There's a part of the real Leia that can't see that I could be there, when and if she needed me."

Amalia's gaze fell to the floor.

"The real Leia, I guess, does not want that because if she wanted that, she would not be saying that she could not give it. Because there is no such thing as a can't and a won't. A won't, but not a can't.

Her gaze returned to Leia, the sadness still evident in her eyes.

Did you ever stop to think, does it not occur to you, that you're not the only one that should be opening up their mind and spirit? Go on, tell me I do not know, tell me that I have no idea.

I am not without feelings, Leia. I admit, that you're not the only one in this friendship that has managed to be closed off. I have too. Why? Because I know what it means to give my mind and my spirt. I know what it is that is being asked for...

...and it is then that I must decide, to choose to say yes or say no. There is something that makes that choice that I must make, so much easier to decide.

It is when I look at the person who I may want and have decided to give my mind and spirit to, that I can look at that person and know that they wish to give the same to me.

What good is giving something that is supposed to be such a big part of you, if the person you're looking to give it to, can't give the same to you in return?

Amalia crossed her arms in front of her, and ever so slowly began to walk forward, toward the door.

"I will accept what it is you're asking me to accept. Not because I want to, but because I have no other choice. I'd fight for what I want, but I'm no dummy either. If I push too hard, you may not be around the next time that I decide to push again.

Amalia had at last reached the door, she turned around to face Leia as she lingered at the door.


Amalia observed from earlier, the powerful words that Leia had said to her, the words that had made Amalia lose it.

"I'm asking for your feelings, emotions, and thoughts now, and you won't give them to me. Instead you tell me not to push you, to accept these things that you won't give to me. I'm not refusing to listen to you now, but how could I listen to you, anyway? You're shutting me out and pushing me away, and that is not an assumption, it is the truth."

"I do the best I can for you. I do my best to give my 100% to you, because that is what I feel you deserve. Sometimes I don't always give my all to you, but the effort is still there, even if I can't manage to give it all.

There is nothing that I would not do for you, and I would do whatever it is, without question, just as I am doing now. I'll do it, whatever it is you want, but not without letting you know how I feel, even if I don't manage to say it right, and I screw up, it's the best that I can give to say.

I won't lie and say that it is ok, but sometimes you have to give a little. So I'll give this to you.

I do not know why you can't open up to me, because I've always done the best I could, and I can't see any reason why this won't be. Because I won't ever hurt you. I know you're afraid, and I am too.

...but I am here, when and if you want me to be, or if you need me to be, because I choose to be."

Trust me...

"Stop pushing me away, Leia, because I won't go, I won't do that to you....No matter what happens."

Suprisingly, Amalia did not walk out the door, but instead, leaned against it as she looked at Leia.

"If you want me to go, then I will go. If you want me to stay, then I will stay..."

She paused, diverting her gaze for just a split second, then letting her gaze fall back.

"I hope you'll ask me to stay..."

"..Because I do care enough to listen..."

Leia stood up abruptly to face Amalia at the door. Her voice was low, and grating.

"Oh, I trust you... I don't trust myself."

She was quiet for a moment, continually shifting her stance.

"You leave or go. That's your choice, I won't make it for you. I haven't ever betrayed you, I've only betrayed myself in keeping myself closed off to such a good friend and person as you. But that is my choice, my necessity. I am the type of person who listens and rarely needs listened to, will lend help but will never admit needing it myself. I've come a long way with you, Amalia. Even my saying that indicates so. I don't think you appreciate just how far I've come with your influence."

Leia bristled.

"You are the one with the problems now, I see what is going on and I am at peace now. You have a problem with me because I give you my all... and it just isn't enough. Well I'm sorry if that hurts you, but it hurts me just that much more that I can't give it. I try, I really do. Opening myself to you. It seems so simple, after all we've done, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Well, for me it's not."

Leia stalked back over to the kitchen, stopping to stand right in the doorway.

"I have rid myself of my anger and hurt. I am fine now.

So stay or leave. It's your choice, really. You can take me as I am, and I will do everything I can for you in every way as I always have, as a friend should. Or you can just stay ignorant to the problem that I am actually stating right to your face, and you can think I have spited you, betrayed you.

You always wanted to help me, listen. Well, instead of helping me with my worst problem you hit me over the head with it.

I really must thank you for that. It only made it worse, to the point where I can't stand it anymore. That is exactly why I started blocking you out. I can't open up to people, for many, many reasons. You took it as a personal insult or whatever and started pushing. Not helping.

You can be sad, angry, hateful, or whatever you want. But this is your problem now, and if you want to leave me because I just can't fulfill your every wish I won't stop you."

Leia grimaced, and her voice grew even softer, to the point where Amalia had to strain to hear her.

"But if you actually care, at the very least you'll stop poking and agitating my problems with a stick and just be there, as I've always tried to be for you. You have to be patient with me, as I was for you. You know how hard opening up is. You should know I need time, as well as other things."

Leia sighed and shook her head.

"I'll be in the kitchen. I have to be at work soon."

With that, Leia dissapeared into the kitchen, leaving Amalia alone in the doorway to make a decision.

Amalia's presence did not draw away from where it stood, still in the doorway.

For a little while Amalia stood there, her mind completely empty. Whatever feelings she had drenched up during the last thirty minutes ago had all but died down now, and now she was feeling...ill.

She felt as if her feet would give way at any moment, but that never happened.

Amalia turned away from the doorway, not to go into the kitchen, but to sit on the couch, and think.

She had taken slow careful steps to get toward that couch, steps that had felt like would take her forever to get her to where she wanted to be.

Once she sat down, her head seemed to sink into the upper cusion of the couch, a nice piece of support.

Slowly her eyes found their way to close, and her brain began to work.

Time? How much time does she need? It's been way longer than a year. How many years has it been now? Close to six, at least, even more perhaps. Yet she says she needs time. I can recall when I went through this, when it was the other way around. When I was the one closing off myself to her. I can remember what she did, she kept her distance from me. She kept her distance, and I could never truly tell how she felt because of that. I could see it when she looked at me though, but she never expressed it to me with her words. I was left to figure out how to give to her, on my own, and with her silent expressions.

Yet I promised myself, that if I gave into her, if I gave to her my mind and spirit that I would be ok, and that I would not have to be afraid anymore. I would not have to be scared, and that I could finally have someone to depend on.

She once was glad for such a thing, now she wants to look the other way when she sees me coming. It is not an assumption, I do not assume it. It is what I feel. It is the look in her eyes, so empty. She once looked at me with warmth, understanding, happiness. Now all I see is the tiredness in her eyes, frustration, sorrow, hurt.

That is my fault. I did it.

I have pushed because it has been such a long time. I am doing the best I can, to be as patient as I can be. The time we have known one another, it is not a short span, but a long one.

Because there reaches a time when one's patience dissolves, and you are left to find some other option, some other way of trying to get what you are looking for, if you can't get it through patience.

Amalia paused as she reflected on her thoughts. She turned her head to look behind her, to gaze toward the kitchen.

She could not see Leia, but she knew she was in there, she could hear the clutter and noise.

I know exactly why I believe that what she gives me is not good enough. It is because we should be past all of this by now, and I do not understand why we are not.

That is what leaves me angry, betrayed, hurt, sad.

Because there's nothing more depressing than knowing that your best friend won't turn to you, because she simply just can not, nor will not do it.

Because she simply does not see you as being the person that she can open up to.

It makes a friend wonder how, that if she can't open up to you, then who is she opening up to? Certainly not you. That is already a known fact, you already know that she can't open up to you, she's told you so.

A person can't stay in isolation forever. It is not healthy, and the mind and spirit can't handle something like that. Eventually they will need someone to turn to.

Who are you to say that it is supposed to be you though, huh? It's not as if you have earned something so special as to have someone open up to you. Gaining access to one's mind and spirit is not something easily gained. So who are you to push and poke? What right do you have?

She did not have the right, and she did not know whatever made her think that she did.

She just knew why she so badly wanted for Leia to open up to her. A simple reason. If all she ever had was Leia's same closed off reaction, how was she truly supposed to know the person on the inside. That was what she wanted access to.

How was she supposed to build a friendship off of that? How was she supposed to build such a thing off of nothing? That was exactly what she had if Leia would not let her in. Ultimately, she had nothing to go off of, and Leia was very closed off. There was not much that Amalia could work with because of that reason alone.

It may be my problem, but you created it. A problem is not created out of nothing. It's what you're doing that makes it my problem. Just like I created your problem, I made you push me away, and that is your problem. Because of this, I suffer without your ability to open up to me. One problem follows right after the other. Our problems, they are connected.

I have somewhere that I need to be...

Amalia stood up, slowly making her way away from the couch. She stopped to pause in her walk, just between the doorwau and the kitchen.

Her eyes settled onto the doorway.

...and it's not out there...

Quickly her eyes diverted toward the kitchen area.

....It is in there, because it is my turn to give more than I've ever given before...

She walked the rest of the way toward the kitchen doorway. She found herself doing as she had done as she had entered when she had first come to see Leia this morning, leaning against the doorway. Leaning against the doorway, arms crossed, silently observing and watching Leia.

After a few moments, Leia's mind felt a familiar presence enter.

I will wait forever, if I have to. If what I am looking in you to give never comes...I'll still be here. Perhaps some day my loyalty and my friendship to you will allow you to see why it is so important to me that you open up to me. If you never see it, so be it, I'll still continue to be just as loyal to you. Because a friend means being there, through thick and thin, in times of good and bad. I've been here with you for a long time now. I'm not going to turn my back on you. This is as hard for me as it is for you. You're not going through this alone, because some part of me has to deal with this too. I will do whatever I have to do to help you, and if it means having to back off because it's too much, then I will back off, yet I will be ready to step back in should you tell me you're ready.

Leia's back was turned to the door as she detachedly stirred her mug of tea with a spoon. It probably had been stirred enough a considerable time ago now, but she just kept absentmindedly moving the spoon in a circular motion, causing the liquid to slosh in the mug. Thus, Leia became aware of the fact that Amalia had moved to stand in the doorway once again only when she felt Amalia's Force presence in the doorway several minutes later.

Leia seemed to snap out of her daze and she stopped stirring, her body going rigid. She let go of the spoon and mug and crossed her arms across her torso, keeping her back turned to the door.

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> She didn't leave...

And I'm glad.<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

Leia's right hand clenched into a fist, and she pressed it to her mouth. Slowly, she turned to face Amalia with a troubled expression on her face. Leia's eyes seemed glossy, as if she was close to crying, but not going to.

Leia said nothing. There was nothing to be said. Instead, in half a dozen or so slow and deliberate steps that Amalia watched like a hawk, Leia covered the distance to Amalia, and enveloped her in a hug full of sorrow and unsureness.

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> I don't know what to do, where to go... maybe you're tired of being patient, and maybe I've had all of the time in my life so farto fix things, but... I just need more time. I just need you to be there right now. You are my best friend. I look to you for support and guidance, whether you realize and know it or not.<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

Leia slowly withdrew from the hug, recrossing her arms and backing far enough away to look Amalia silently in the eye.