Ah, Leritor, home of the Sauvax, a race of crab-like farmers and friendly-types, to the left of Khothlis, to the right of Rodia. They farm their lands as their ancestors have for generations, without a care in the world and with an ameciable, friendly attitude. Skuttling around on six spiny legs, today was to them just another day of ploughing, chatting, playing games, tending the crops, and going to bed.

Or was it?

A disturbing rumbling could be heard in the skies above. Asuming it was a coming storm, the Sauvax scuttled around, lifting protectors over their crops in case a wind whipped up. As the sky darkened, a ship could be seen whistling through the atmosphere. Trying to hold together, the ship was fighting a losing battle with the laws of friction, mostly because the laws of friction were playing dirty and kept shoving extra air molecules in its' path.

Blazing like a commet, the shuttle finally crashed heavily into a nearby hillside, ripping through the earth and sending smoke and fire in al directions.

A door in the middle of the wreakage was forced open, and a terrifying, dark figure began to emerge. Standing to its' full height, it scraped soot from its' clothes and looked around.

"Hey, free crab dinner!"

Running from the hill, another voice called from the shuttle. "No! Admiral Freewater! Come back here Right now! They are not for eating! Yiffin, get up and stop him already!"

Our four favourite intrepid explorers clambered from their crashed ship and made their way down the hill. Freewater had been dissuaded from eating the Sauvax with the promise of pie later on. As they regrouped at the bottom, Frelgrin could see the Sauvax peering down at them from their farms on other hills. There were low hills in every direction, as far as the eye could see, each dotted with more farms and more Sauvax.

"Definelty a lot of... crabs." said Shlump, who had to muffle a laugh that threatened to break out. Yiffin raised an eyebrow.

"What's so funny?" He asked, and Shlump leant over to whisper something in Yiffin's ear. Yiffin recoiled in horror and went "Bleh", before giving Shlump a slap on the back of the head.

"All right everyone" said Frelgrin "Be on your best behaviour when we make first contact, we don't want a repeat of the Hurok Disaster, do we?"

"Oh come on" grumbled Shlump "So I tried to kung-fu their god and Freewater almost shot one of them, is that really that bad?"

"Yes"

The Savuax tentativly chose one of their number to go down and speak to the Azguardian Explorers. He scuttled cautiously around the crater left by the crash of the Coalition shuttle, and stood behind the four, trying to look as small and quiet as possible.

The four explorers, however, seemed to be making themselves as large and loud as possible. Frelgrin was trying vainly to get them to stop bickering and begin a diplomatic exploration, but as it was Shlump and Yiffin were too busy arguing over grant systems, and Freewater kept getting distracted by shiny rocks.

"All right!" Frelgrin shouted "That's it! If we're not going to conduct this exploration properly, then I'm going back to the ship!" And with that he turned on his heel-

-Tripped on the Sauvax behind him, and fell head first into the crater. There was a loud "Clang!" as his head hit the wing.

Frelgrin tried to climb out, but ended up sliding down again, grumbling loudly, and fuming in the direction of the Sauvax.

"Aha!" Exclaimed Shlump "A perfect example of the savages that inhabit this planet. Look at its' clearly inferior... uh... claws. And its'... Its' not got the right number of legs. Its' pretty clear we'll have our work cut out for us, educating these beastly creatures."

Yiffin sighed "I don't think we can educate them into two-legged creatures, Shlump-"

"Well maybe you can't." said Shlump, sniffing hautingly "I've always felt teaching was your weak-point."

Yiffin gawped "What do you mean my weak-point? I won the Teaching award in the field of excellence at the academy of learning last year-"

Shlump snorted "Yeah, well, you were sleeping with a judge-"

"That was you."

"...Oh yeah."

Yiffin frowned "Wait, what are we doing? We've made a scientific discovery! We have to go through the Scientist's checklist. Have you got yours?"

Shlump fished out a small sheet of paper. "All right"

Yiffin leapt upon the surprised Sauvax and lifted it in his arms.

"All right" he said, struggling with it "Whenever you're ready."

Shlump looked at the list "Number one, any cash or valuables on it?"

Yiffin shook the Sauvax up and down "Nope"

"Any Cash and valuables near it?"

"Nope"

"Any way we could use it to obtain cash and valuables?"

"I don't think so."

"Edible?"

"I hope not."

"All right" said Shlump, pocketing the list "Now we tag it and release it into the wild. Since we're out of tags, just throw it over there somewhere."

"Excuse me"

Yiffin frowned. "Not now, Freewater, we're very busy."

"I didn't say nothing" said the Admiral, confused.

"Excuse me"

"Uh... Frelgrin?"

"Don't look at me" grumbled Frelgrin, still in a sour mood and trying to get out of the hole. "I didn't say anything."

"Excuse me"

Shlump shrugged "Its' not me"

Yiffin, in a moment of inspiration, turned the Sauvax face up.

"Excuse me, but could you put me down now?" It asked, in a polite Basic.

Frelgrin was so surprised he lost his grip and fell down the side of the hole again. "It can talk!"

"Yes" sneered Shlump "But listen to its' savage, scratchy native language. No one could understand that."

"Its' speaking OUR language, Shlump" said Frelgrin, who shook his head wearily.

"Actually" said Yiffin "Shlump has a point. It can't be our language, because this is an alien. What it just said must simply SOUND like our language, but in their language must mean something completely different."

"Oh, sure" said Frelgrin "It just sounded like he wants you to put him down after grabbing him, throwing him around, and searching him for valuables."

"Exactly" said Yiffin. "It makes perfect sense."

The Sauvax was lowered to the ground, and from within its' armoured shell came an armoured head. It looked at the four scientists and blinked in the sunlight. Eventually it composed itself, and spoke.

"My name is Yi'ki'La'Masfa, but you can call me Earl. I'm the local mayor. Are you from the Republic?"

Frelgrin, who had finally managed to climb out of the hole, was surprised. "You mean the New Republic? That one?"

The Sauvax nodded "Yes, that one. Are you from them? We havn't seen them in many years."

Shlump snorted "Of course you haven't. A little backwater place like that would be easily missed by the crude Republic of old."

Yiffin paused "I thought he said the New Republic, not the old one?"

"Wait" said Earl "So are you from the New Republic or the old one?"

"We're from neither" said Frelgrin with a sigh.

"So you're from the Empire?"

"Absoloutly not!" said Shlump, aghast at the thought "They have no sense of humour."

"Hold on" said Yiffin "Who are we talking about now?"

"The Republic" "The Empire" "Ourselves"

Then everyone started bickering until, at last, Frelgrin shouted everyone down, and said "Where's Freewater?"

Everyone looked around, but he was nowhere to be seen. They began to call his name, "Freewater! Freeeeeeeeeewater!" But to no avail.

Finally, as Earl scuttled up a hill, he pointed with a claw down to the other side "I think I've found him."

The other three ran to the top of the hill. Looking down the other side, they could see Freewater cautiously walking towards what appeared to be a moss-covered mountain in the middle of the village.

"Where is he going?" Snapped Yiffin, clearly annoyed.

"I think that distant... rock?" Shlump shaded his eyes, but it just looked like a rock to him.

"That is no rock" said Earl "That is the local Republic blockhouse. A long time ago, four humans worked there, and they'd tell us what was going on, but one day they had to leave. They never said why."

"Well why is Freewater heading towards it?" Said Frelgrin. Earl just shrugged.

"I dunno, maybe its' the smell."

Taking a moment to sniff the air, Frelgrin, Shlump and Yiffin could all smell something too. "What is that horrid smell?" said Shlump "Its' awful."

"It smells a bit like... Fish and chips" said Yiffin, clearly surprised.

"That's what the four humans used to eat" said Earl "All the time. We can't smell it, though, but they sure could. Always complaining - hey, come back!"

But the explorers had no time to listen to an oversized crab's ramblings, they had to save their colleague from the hypnotic smell of food, and perhaps loot the place for valuabes. Running down the hill, they crashed heavily into Freewater, and the four rolled the rest of the way down, ending up in a heap at the bottom of the hill.

Freewater was most distressed. "Come on guys, it smells so good, and its' sooo close!" But his fellows were adament, holding him pinned to the ground. Letting Freewater wander is slightly more dangerous then setting the Deathstar on autofire and going on a joyride through the Core worlds.

Finally, Freewater was let loose, on the promise he wouldn't wander far. Approaching the building with a mix of awe and curiosity, Frelgrin, Yiffin and Shlump all became increasingly aware of the smell of fish and chips.

Brushing away concealing moss, they could see the weatherworn New Republic symbol on the door. As Shlump and Yiffin scraped off more moss, Frelgrin turned to Earl. "So, uh, Earl. I never got round to telling you why we came. We're from TARGET, a part of the Coalition. We were wondering if you were interested in joining the coalition - well, the whole planet, really - and despite the cliche of the statement, I must ask, could you take us to your leader?"

"You're in luck" said Earl. "He's in there." And with that, he pointed at the Republic building.

Frelgrin was confused. "But I thought you said the Republic left years ago. In fact, from hear, it looks like no one has so much as touched the building in years."

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, sort of" said Earl "The other day, we saw Li'Ni'Do'Go', or Andrew as he preffers to be known, chasing a plastic bag in the wind - oh, he's our leader, by the way - and he got to the top of the tallest hill in town, then fell off and went through the chimney. He said he could dig his way out, and not to worry, but we're not so sure. When someone falls in, we usually just wait a day or two then open the doors and everyone has a good laugh. But if you want to go ahead, be my guest-"

"Its' mine! I found it!"

"But I saw you find it!"

Frelgrin turned, to see Shlump and Yiffin fighting over control of some small piece of machinery that seemed jammed into a piston that for some reason was under a corroded panel on the wall, revealed when a piece of moss was disturbed. As the two fought over it, it came loose and fell. But before the two could fight further, the piston screeched loudly, and began to move.

Earl suddenly seemed uneasy "Its' never done that before."

"Well, we better get... Andrew... Out of there, sharpish. How do we open the door?"

Earl came up to it, and gave it a push, but nothing happened. More pistons were suddenly visible, raising out of the moss and the bushes. "It must have reactivated the locks" said Earl, distinct worry in his voice. "What do we do now?"

"Stand aside" said Shlump. "We know just what to do. Yiffin? Do the honours?"

"Freewater! Door!" Called Yiffin, and suddenly, Freewater leapt to attention and charged down the door, crashing through it like an unstoppable... thing.

"But those doors were magnetically sealed!" Said Earl in astonishment. "They were bullet-proof, laser-proof, bomb-proof!"

"Ah" said Frelgrin "But they weren't Freewater-Proof, were they?"

Stepping cautiously after Freewater, the three explorers examined the curious, dank hallway. Here they could see comparativly fresh scuttle marks along the floor. Half-functioning fluorescent lights could be seen on the ceiling, giving off a faint light that was more eeiry then useful. Far off, they could still hear Freewater barreling down the building. Earl stayed firmly where he was, nervous from the sudden development.

"All right" said Shlump, gulping nervously "Why don't we... ah... leave this to the locals? It is, after all, their building."

"Yes" said Yiffin, also disconcerted "He does bring up a good point, we wouldn't want to be trespassing."

"Now now" said Frelgrin "Its' our - well, your - fault that their leader might be in trouble, and after all we can't leave Freewater behind-"

"Yes we can" said Yiffin.

"Oh stop being such a coward. We're explorers, this is something to explore, what more do we need?"

"Oh, I don't know" said Shlump "A flash light, a gun, some ammo, body armour, a map, a guide... I can go on, but it gets a little silly."

But Frelgrin seemed adament that it was time to push ahead. Cautiously, he moved through the corridor under the bad light. After reaching the end of the corridor, he gave the door a light push. It had been dislodged by Freewater, and on the other side Frelgrin saw a large room, dirtied, and devoid of furniture. There was a large hole in the floor, and a pitious whine was coming from it. Looking down, Frelgrin could see Freewater hanging from a beam. Far below was a pool of water.

"Here!" Called Frelgrin "Take my hand!"

Unfortunately, Frelgrin forgot who he was talking to. So Freewater took both his hands to grab Frelgrins'. It was several seconds before he realised the ramnifications of his actions, and fell down fare below, into the pool of water, which made an "Oomph" noise.

"Freewater!" Cried Frelgrin frantically "Are you ok?"

"Fine" called up Freewater "I landed on something squishy - Uh, what was that guy you were looking for in here?"

"A Sauvax, like that one outside."

"Uh, Ok. I'm sitting on him."

Frelgrin heaved with all his might, and was eventually able to lift Andrew out of the hole. Freewater had construced a fairly teetering mound of rocks, from which he had passed the Sauvax leader up from. He too climbed out, using a cut wire for support. The three huzzahed their success, and turned to leave the building.

Unfortunately, a barely-functioning secutiry system was active, and it closed just at that moment, closing them off inside the room.

"Fracking hell!" Cursed Frelgrin, as he knocked on the door. "Freewater, can you knock it down?"

Just as he said that, he had to move swiftly out of the way as Freewater came barreling towards the door. He clanged against it and bounced painfully away.

"Ah, I guess no." Frelgrin examined the edge of the door, and saw in tiny writing 'made on Kessel'. Next to that, it said 'One hundred percent Freewater proof'.

"I'm going to ignore the fact that that makes no sense for now" said Frelgrin. "Ok, so how do we get out of here?"

Andrew shrugged - quite a feat for a crab - and said "I dunno, we usually go through the door. No one's been in the rest of the building for years..."

"Well, looks like we'll have to - "

"I say, Frelgrin, can you hear us?" It was Yiffin, shouting from the other side of the door.

"Yeah, we can hear you" said Frelgrin "Are you guys all right? Is there any other way out?"

"We're fine!" Shouted Shlump, in an excessivly loud voice "But the natives are giving us trouble, they say we can't try and salvage the ships' guns to blast you out!"

"Well I should think not" said Frelgrin. "There's got to be another way out, we'll find it."

And so the three of them picked one of the two other, unsealed doors in the room at random, and began walking down a conveniently long corridor. About long enough to fit in some more dialogue

"So" said Andrew "What brings you to Leritor, anyways? If its' about the crop quality, I've already made my stance clear -"

"Oh no, nothing like that" said Frelgrin "We are on a mission to-"

"Wait, crops is food, right?" Said Freewater "Do you grow chocolate?"

"Uh, we grow cocoa beans further south" said Andrew "Does that count?"

"That's kind of off topic" said Frelgrin "What I was trying to say was-"

"Too late" said Andrew "We've made it to the next door."

"Damn."

The next room had a small door marked exit, and a big mound of moudly food.

"Well" said Frelgrin "That was easy-"

"Gah!" Shouted Andrew and Freewater at the same time, and both leapt out of the room. Frelgrin immeadietly looked in all directions - including up and down - but he couldn't see anything to cause such fear.

"Uh, guys? Whats' going on?"

"Don't you know the rules?" said Freewater.

"Uh.. which rules?"

"You know, the rules of action/reaction. By saying "That was easy" you have now assured something bad will happen to us to prevent us from escaping. The same thing would happen if you said "That was TOO easy", or "I have a bad feeling about this.""

Frelgrin rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, you guys" he said "You can't expect me to believe that-"

He was interrupted by a heavy thump. Apparently, "That was easy" was the turn-on password to the old, rusted New Republic Heavy Security Combat Mech, which was even now opening fire and heading towards them. Frelgrin leapt through the door, which Andrew and Freewater shut and sealed behind him.

"What did I tell you?" Said Freewater "Even I know about those rules."

Frelgrin decided not to comment.

"How are we supposed to get past him??" whispered Frelgrin furiously to Freewater. Freewater just shrugged. "How should I know?" But this just got Frelgrin even more riled up. "You should know! You're the military expert." "No I'm not" said Freewater "I'm an Admiral. That means I boss around space ships. That guy isn't in a space ship, so this is out of my Jurdis... Jury... Jurstidi... thing."

Frelgrin was prepared to continue arguing, but Andrew spoke up "Hey guys" he said "maybe we should just turn it off?"

There was a pause. "You can do that?" said Frelgrin.

"Of course I can" said Andrew. He then opened the door, pointed behind the robot, and calmly said "Look over there. A monster."

As the robot turned to check, Andrew scuttled over and flicked the 'on-off' switch.

Frelgrin and Freewater entered the room. The robot just stood there.

"Hm, what do you know" said Frelgrin. "That wasn't so-"

"Don't say it!" Freewater and Andrew exclaimed, and Frelgrin went silent. The three exited the building through the back door.

Shlump and Yiffin weren't exactly overjoyed to see them. They were more occupied arguing about whose fault it was the shuttle crashed. However, given time, they eventually noticed their compatriots had escaped alive, and gave vague congradulations.

"So" said Yiffin "Now that you're done galibanting off in some old ruin, what are we going to do now?"

"Oh yeah" said Andrew "Back in the ruins, you tried to tell me what it is you guys were here for-"

"-Did he mention the plan?" Said Shlump, suscpisciously.

"Uh... no?"

"Good... good... continue"

"...All right. Anyways, we never finished that conversation. So go ahead, tell me, what brings you to Leritor?"

"Well" said Frelgrin "We've been sent on a diplomatic mission - from The New Coalition - to offer the people of Leritor the oppourtunity to join the New Coalition as a member state, and enjoy all the rights and benefits therin."

"Ah. Ok then." said Andrew "...Have you got any more information?"

Frelgrin reached into his pocket "We've got these pamplets" he said. "Oh, and some stuff in the ship, if we can find it again."

"I think you'd all better come to my office" said Andrew. "Its' over there."

"What, behind the great big rock on the coast of that lake?"

"Uh... it is the great big rock on the coast of that lake."

Once inside, Andrew poured them tea (at least, they hoped it was tea) and let them get comfortable. for a hollowed out rock, it was rather cozy. Everything was made of stone, shell, driftwood, or plexiglass (they're not totally primitive). After a little bit of tea drinking, Frelgrin ventured a question "So you're the leader of this planet, Andrew?"

"Oh yes" he said, stirring his tea with a long and decidedly sharp claw. "The official name of the position is Ni'Quolama, but 'Boss-man' usually suffices."

"How do you direct an entire planets' operation from this one little room?" said Yiffin, as he tried to stomach the tea.

"Oh, most things tend to sort themselves out" he said "There's two million, five hundred thousand, six hundred and forty two Sauvax on this planet, which equals about two million, five hundred thousand, six hundred and forty one farmers and fishers, and me. There simply arn't that many issues to deal with."

Shlump snorted "Of course there arn't" he said "A primitive planet like this, with its' savage culture, couldn't hope to rise to our dizzying height of civilisation - Freewater! Don't do that!"

Freewater had placed his empty tea-cup on his head, and seemed to be playing an imaginary game of some sort. After a stern reprimand from Shlump, he sulked in silence.

"Don't get me wrong" Andrew said "There are some issues. There was bad rainfall south of the Argoni Straight last year, and I helped organize relief supplies sent south. And there are plenty of social issues, like letting people leave their communities and joining others. We're not completely boring."

At that moment, a decorative Sea-Shell ornament on the wall flipped over, revealin a high-tech holo-feed system. It showed the image of another Sauvax with an eye patch, a goatee, and what appeared to be a fluffy pet... Shrimp... Nestling on his arm - I mean, claw. In the background could be seen a massive laser cannon which seemed to be orbiting Leritor.

"Ah, Blowclaw, I was expecting this call" said Andrew, who turned to address the screen. "I take it you're not here to exchange Elvis Costello impressions again, so what is it you want?"

"You know what I want, Andrew" said Blowclaw, who stroked his pet shrimp and looked grim "I want total control of Leritor, and I want it now. No more sparring, we found the double agent, and there is no more espace for you. Either you surrender control of the planet to me, or I open fire-"

"Um, excuse me" said Frelgrin "If you're busy, we can come back later"

"Oh, no, this is no bother at all" said Andrew "It'll only take a second." He then turned back to the screen "You may have found our double agent, Blowclaw, but did you find our double double agent?"

Suddenly, onscreen, a Sauvax in a black suit swung - well, more scuttled - into the room from a grappling hook launched from his wrist watch. He flattened two inept guards who put up as much fight as damp tissue, and proceeded to karate-chop the laser cannon.

"Curse you! Curse you all!" Exclaimed Blowclaw, who proceeded to jet pack off screen.

"Mission accomplished" the tuxedoed spy said, and Andrew nodded. The shell flipped back over, and Andrew turned to face his guests again. "As you were saying?"

...

"Dude" said Shlump "That totally kicked ass. I take back everything I said, the Sauvax are just as civilized as the rest of us."

"'Totally kicked ass'?" Said Yiffin.

"I can't say that, can I? It comes out wrong. Maybe I'm not doing it right..."

"Anyways, this is all besides the point" said Frelgrin "The point being, Mr. Andrew, we are fully prepared to tell you everything you want to know about the Coalition, what membership entitles, and answer all your questions."

"All right then" said Andrew.

Ten Minutes later

"...Which would surely kill us all. There, I think that about wraps it up."

"Hm, rather interesting" said Andrew. "Thanks for taking the time."

"All right then" said Andrew "It looks like you really would like our help. I'd be more then glad to sign on with the New Coalition."

"Excellent!" said Frelgrin "Sign here. And here. And initial there. And there. And here. And over there. Oh, and there. Done."

They then sat around.

"...Uh" said Freewater "Why are we still here?"

Yiffin checked his watch, and scowled "We're still short a thousand words or so" he said. 1003 words, to be precise."

"Actually, 999 words now." said Shlump.

"And now its' 993."

"Yeah, but now its-"

"All right" said Frelgrin testily "Enough of that. If we've got a thousand-"

"976 words now-"

"All right, WHATEVER, the point is we might as well do something."

...

"Well" said Andew "If you need something to do, you could hold a press-conference to bring this decision to light to the other Sauvax. But not now though."

"Why not now?"

"The post is about to end."

"By Gods he's righ