*waves* Hello all, I’m new around these parts…
… I was interested in submitting a character for membership, but after reading you “newbie” thread I noticed that that Jedi characters are not too common. Below I posted a background and a sample RP – perhaps someone would be kind enough to suggest what I should change?
Thank you so much, I appreciate it. I’m looking forward to meeting you all :)
Background:
Haruun Kal, the sole planet of the Al’Har system, has serve as a stage for gruesome conflict since the days of the Clone Wars. Rich in natural resources, many off-worlders traveled to and inhabited the dense, jungle planet in hopes of attaining wealth and trade prestige. These foreign fortune hunters, who came to be known as Balawei, feel into ill relations with the native inhabitants, the Korunnai. As time passed, vague animosity evolved into brutal civil war. All the while, massive Galactic powers took notice and sought to exploit the aggressions for to maintain control of the world and nearby trade routes.
The Confederacy of Independent Systems, seeking to avoid unwanted interference from the Republic, bribed the Balawei with weapons and other form of militarist technology that would aid them in their fight against the Korunnai. In exchange, The Confederacy was given exclusive rein over lucrative trade posts. The resulting massacres were obscene, bringing death to both warriors and innocents alike. The Korunnai, however, were not completely vulnerable. Descendents of Jedi whose vessel had long since crashed upon the tropical planet, the Korunnai were a force-sensitive people who used their skills decisively in combat.
Seeking to even the playing field, the Balawei often abducted Korunnai civilians, imprisoning and enslaving them. As a rule, young force-sensitives were taken from their families and trained to fight against their own people. The younglings were tormented beneath the Balawei wicked domination, beaten and brainwashed. Commonly, the captors told their frightened, living weapons that if they did not fight, death would come to their beloved families. Reluctantly and without options, the young Korunnai did as they were told.
Simone Valerie was the daughter of two prominent members of the Upland Liberation Front, a collective of natives who were fervently against the Balawei. Simone, her parents and her sister were all captured by there enemies and she, like many before her, was made to fight or see her family die. Galactic authorities, in an attempt to stifle the ongoing civil war, entered the Al’Har system and landed upon Harrun Kal. Fearing they would be stripped of their authority over the Gervano Trade Loop, the Balawei sent an elite legion of force-sensitives to dispose of the new comer’s commanders. The young Valerie was amongst those sent and during an attempt to fulfill her orders, she was arrested and taken to a judicial holding station, off-world.
Sample RP:
Arms crossed, eyes fixed and staring, Calren Mar watch a young woman intently from behind the shielding of a one-way mirror. She was young, he thought, and tense. Like an animal teased into striking, she sat straight, alert and ready to lash. Her posture was a product of her captivity, he reasoned as he observed, but her eyes whispered another tale. They were wide, shaking orbs that caught the light of the interrogation room in which she sat. They were soft and mournful, reflections of a child’s soul, powerless in against a tempest.
“Commander Mar,” A young officer addressed Calren as he approached from behind, “I have the results of the her physical.”
“How is she?” Mar asked without turning; he was still fixated upon the girl...her eyes.
“She is excellent condition,” The young officer replied while consulting a small data pad, “a little undernourished, but her systems are all functioning optimally.”
“What about the metachrorines?” Mar inquired coolly as one hand moved to stroke his chin.
“They are high, just as you predicted.” The young man replied, “She’s defiantly a force sensitive. Do you think she’s an captive Korunnai, Sir?”
“I am certain she is.” Mar stated in a near whisper, his glare narrowed.
“Will… we… be prosecuting then?” The young officer spoke tentatively as he silently questioned the ethics of the situation.
“We will find … alternative means of attending to this matter.” Mar finally turned and faced his counterpart. “See if you can contact a reprehensive from the Jedi Order. I will go in to see her now.”
The young officer nodded in compliance and turned away. Mar straightened uniform out of habit, then vanished behind a turn in the wall to enter the room. It was clean, bright and empty, void of furniture expect for a simple table near the northern wall. An empty chair resided across from the chair in which the edgy detainee sat.
“Good evening, miss,” Mar stated politely before moving to fill the empty seat. The girl did not move. Her hands were placed neatly before her, fingers tautly intertwined.
“We have achieved access to Balawei security records. According to your brand,” Mar motioned to a dark, raised area on the girl’s right inner wrist, “Your name is Simone Valerie…”
“I request an execution.” Simone stated coldly, without blinking.
“Pardon?” Mar countered as think lines of bewilderment emerged upon his forehead.
“Escape is forbidden.” Simone stated plainly,
unmoving. “Suicide is a crime. I request that I be executed for my offences and that my body returned to the Balawei authorities. When I don’t return to base camp they will assume I have either abandoned the mission… or killed myself.” She remained eerily calm. “If they come to either conclusion, my family will suffer.”
Mar’s jaw went slack. His mind raced, furiously seeking clarity. Simone continued, “You seem like compassionate people. Please take this opportunity to spare innocents of a needless death.”
“You… had… two parents,” Mar’s words were stilted. He shifted and cleared his throat. “and a sister.”
“I have…” Simone’s last word was stressed. At last, her statuesque form broke slightly before she recaptured her composure.
“I am very sorry Simone,” Mar began, “records they that there was a raid…”
“Stop…” Simone’s voice cracked, her joined fingers began to quake.
“I am … very sorry.” Mar was a strong man, but not too strong to look away. “You will not be prosecuted, we are turning you over to the Jedi Order.”
Mar then stood. His hand gripped the tall back of his chair before he steadied himself enough to find her eyes once again. Her lost and woeful, shaking eyes. “I pray you find peace there.”
… I was interested in submitting a character for membership, but after reading you “newbie” thread I noticed that that Jedi characters are not too common. Below I posted a background and a sample RP – perhaps someone would be kind enough to suggest what I should change?
Thank you so much, I appreciate it. I’m looking forward to meeting you all :)
Background:
Haruun Kal, the sole planet of the Al’Har system, has serve as a stage for gruesome conflict since the days of the Clone Wars. Rich in natural resources, many off-worlders traveled to and inhabited the dense, jungle planet in hopes of attaining wealth and trade prestige. These foreign fortune hunters, who came to be known as Balawei, feel into ill relations with the native inhabitants, the Korunnai. As time passed, vague animosity evolved into brutal civil war. All the while, massive Galactic powers took notice and sought to exploit the aggressions for to maintain control of the world and nearby trade routes.
The Confederacy of Independent Systems, seeking to avoid unwanted interference from the Republic, bribed the Balawei with weapons and other form of militarist technology that would aid them in their fight against the Korunnai. In exchange, The Confederacy was given exclusive rein over lucrative trade posts. The resulting massacres were obscene, bringing death to both warriors and innocents alike. The Korunnai, however, were not completely vulnerable. Descendents of Jedi whose vessel had long since crashed upon the tropical planet, the Korunnai were a force-sensitive people who used their skills decisively in combat.
Seeking to even the playing field, the Balawei often abducted Korunnai civilians, imprisoning and enslaving them. As a rule, young force-sensitives were taken from their families and trained to fight against their own people. The younglings were tormented beneath the Balawei wicked domination, beaten and brainwashed. Commonly, the captors told their frightened, living weapons that if they did not fight, death would come to their beloved families. Reluctantly and without options, the young Korunnai did as they were told.
Simone Valerie was the daughter of two prominent members of the Upland Liberation Front, a collective of natives who were fervently against the Balawei. Simone, her parents and her sister were all captured by there enemies and she, like many before her, was made to fight or see her family die. Galactic authorities, in an attempt to stifle the ongoing civil war, entered the Al’Har system and landed upon Harrun Kal. Fearing they would be stripped of their authority over the Gervano Trade Loop, the Balawei sent an elite legion of force-sensitives to dispose of the new comer’s commanders. The young Valerie was amongst those sent and during an attempt to fulfill her orders, she was arrested and taken to a judicial holding station, off-world.
* * *
Sample RP:
Arms crossed, eyes fixed and staring, Calren Mar watch a young woman intently from behind the shielding of a one-way mirror. She was young, he thought, and tense. Like an animal teased into striking, she sat straight, alert and ready to lash. Her posture was a product of her captivity, he reasoned as he observed, but her eyes whispered another tale. They were wide, shaking orbs that caught the light of the interrogation room in which she sat. They were soft and mournful, reflections of a child’s soul, powerless in against a tempest.
“Commander Mar,” A young officer addressed Calren as he approached from behind, “I have the results of the her physical.”
“How is she?” Mar asked without turning; he was still fixated upon the girl...her eyes.
“She is excellent condition,” The young officer replied while consulting a small data pad, “a little undernourished, but her systems are all functioning optimally.”
“What about the metachrorines?” Mar inquired coolly as one hand moved to stroke his chin.
“They are high, just as you predicted.” The young man replied, “She’s defiantly a force sensitive. Do you think she’s an captive Korunnai, Sir?”
“I am certain she is.” Mar stated in a near whisper, his glare narrowed.
“Will… we… be prosecuting then?” The young officer spoke tentatively as he silently questioned the ethics of the situation.
“We will find … alternative means of attending to this matter.” Mar finally turned and faced his counterpart. “See if you can contact a reprehensive from the Jedi Order. I will go in to see her now.”
The young officer nodded in compliance and turned away. Mar straightened uniform out of habit, then vanished behind a turn in the wall to enter the room. It was clean, bright and empty, void of furniture expect for a simple table near the northern wall. An empty chair resided across from the chair in which the edgy detainee sat.
“Good evening, miss,” Mar stated politely before moving to fill the empty seat. The girl did not move. Her hands were placed neatly before her, fingers tautly intertwined.
“We have achieved access to Balawei security records. According to your brand,” Mar motioned to a dark, raised area on the girl’s right inner wrist, “Your name is Simone Valerie…”
“I request an execution.” Simone stated coldly, without blinking.
“Pardon?” Mar countered as think lines of bewilderment emerged upon his forehead.
“Escape is forbidden.” Simone stated plainly,
unmoving. “Suicide is a crime. I request that I be executed for my offences and that my body returned to the Balawei authorities. When I don’t return to base camp they will assume I have either abandoned the mission… or killed myself.” She remained eerily calm. “If they come to either conclusion, my family will suffer.”
Mar’s jaw went slack. His mind raced, furiously seeking clarity. Simone continued, “You seem like compassionate people. Please take this opportunity to spare innocents of a needless death.”
“You… had… two parents,” Mar’s words were stilted. He shifted and cleared his throat. “and a sister.”
“I have…” Simone’s last word was stressed. At last, her statuesque form broke slightly before she recaptured her composure.
“I am very sorry Simone,” Mar began, “records they that there was a raid…”
“Stop…” Simone’s voice cracked, her joined fingers began to quake.
“I am … very sorry.” Mar was a strong man, but not too strong to look away. “You will not be prosecuted, we are turning you over to the Jedi Order.”
Mar then stood. His hand gripped the tall back of his chair before he steadied himself enough to find her eyes once again. Her lost and woeful, shaking eyes. “I pray you find peace there.”
