The Jedi Master knew what Amalia was telling him, and any other time he would have had the frame of mind to think about it and accept her words. However, the emotions that were brewing within him were causing what had been the Light Side to shift ever so slightly, so that it now had the shadow of the Dark Side on it. It made him irrational, and he angrily pulled his hands away from Amalia's, his expression darkening.

"I don't want her memory! I want her alive, I want to reach out and touch her! I want to hold her again, to hear her voice!"

Now the anger was receeding again as the grief and sadness became more prominent. Kahn would have apologized for his words and actions if he had been in more control of himself.

<font color="lightblue">Somehow Amalia had half expected Kahn to react this way, and she already had more words to help him through his torn emotions so that he could be made to see clearly.

"You do not have to have someone with you in their physical form in order for you to love them, Kahn. That's not what love is, it's just a small form. What matters most is what is in your heart. Hanna's body is not what makes Hanna who she is, it is her spirit that makes her who she is."

There was more she had to say, but she would let these words soak into Kahn first.</font>

The Jedi Master did not lash out this time, but that shadow was still there. He was listening to Amalia's words, even if he wasn't yet calm enough to control his emotions. A part of him screamed inwardly that Amalia was wrong, but the Jedi portion was willing to listen. So, Kahn said nothing, waiting for her to continue, although the anger and fear remained within him.

<font color="lightblue">When Kahn did not say anything, she knew it was best that she go ahead and continue on with what she had to say. Amalia would not give up on getting through to him.

"Think of Hanna, Kahn. What do you think she would have wanted you to do? I know it would hurt her inside to see you like this. I know she would not want you to be angry. I know you want her back, to be able to touch her and hold her again, but being angry won't bring her back. I think it would break her heart to hear you speak with such anger and fear."

Amalia made sure that she was locking eyes with Kahn before she continued.

"..Most of all, I don't think she would want you to be alone at such a time like this. I think she would want you to have someone to talk to, to help comfort you."

Her eyes softened a bit.

"...but I'm not here for Hanna, I'm here for me. I don't want you to be alone. I'm here because I care and because I want to help you get through this. You don't have to do this alone."</font>

The Jedi Master knew that Amalia was right, but the pain he was feeling remained just as strong as before. He had the memories of Hanna, true, but he had so longed to continue to create new memories. They had been going to have a family; everything had been perfect. And now that was all destroyed.

The fear and anger were dissipating, but that allowed the grief and sadness to grow, and Kahn still would not meet Amalia's eyes as he spoke.

"Thank you, Amalia."

He paused, voice wavering unevenly now.

"It wasn't just Hanna I lost, Amalia. She was pregnant with twins."

Kahn would have felt new tears making their way down his face, except for the fact that he was cried out for the moment. Instead, he felt that terrible empty feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he felt a lump growing in his throat as he thought of his wife and unborn children. It wasn't fair, none of it was.

<font color="lightblue">"I'm...I'm sorry, I did not know," Amalia said softly, sadness reaching her own face now.

There was nothing she could possibly say to reassure Kahn, not with that kind of news.

There was so much for Kahn to deal with, all at once. she herself began to wonder if she would be strong enough to help Kahn. Her confidence was not at the best level it could possibly be.

"I..."

I can not do this, I can not help him. What good can I possible be to him? I do not even know what to say.


Her thoughts told her what she knew to be untrue. She had not planned to come back today. She had not planned to come back at all....

She had wanted to stay away, as far away from home as possible. Perhaps even for good. Something had made her come back though. Something had made her come back and to not give up on the hope that she could face what world awaited her back home.

What do I say to a man who thinks he has lost his whole world?

Amalia knew what that felt like, to feel as if you had lost everything. Although her situation had not been the same as Kahn's, she had felt as if she had lost everything that had existed in her world. She had been feeling that way for several months, to the point where it made her lose all hope. Getting away had done her some good, but some things were still there left to heal and to work on.


Amalia took in a deep breath, more like a sigh of sorts, and then let it out rather quickly.

She had looked away from Kahn, not wanting him to see the sadness in her eyes, not just for his own loss, but for her own struggles.

She found herself looking back at him now, but his eyes never met hers. He would not look at her, and she realized that it made her angry, hurt even. She understood why he would not look at her, though she did not think it fair.

Tears began to form in Amalia's eyes, but she did not cry. Tears had formed because she did not like to be pushed away. The feeling that she no longer made any difference to anyone anymore, that feeling was still with her, ever since she had left for vacation. Such founded discoveries were all in her head though.

Whatever was presented before her always made her to believe that what she thought, was right...

..And when Kahn would not look at her, it only confirmed her beliefs.

Even if she did not cry, the pain that she felt was very evident in her voice.

"I did not want to come home, Kahn. I had not planned on coming back. Too much pain that had built up inside of me. I could not even reach out to the people that truly cared about me. For months I had thought that I had failed, in my work, and in my life. I felt like I had failed the people I cared about. I'd pushed those away who cared for me, thinking they would not understand, or would not want to hear of my troubles..."

She paused, feeling Kahn's eyes on her now.

"...What's sad is that each one of those people that cared for me, let me push them away. Not a single person stopped me from making such a horrible mistake. doing what I had done left me more alone than I had ever thought possible...and it also made me give up...."

"..I could have used someone to bother me, to make me not push people away. If someone had done that for me, then maybe I would have known that I have something to give, something to share, no matter what it was. Maybe my feelings would have shown through like they were supposed to, instead of remaining hidden, only to end up causing me more pain and grief."

Amalia found herself looking away for just a moment while she paused, her eyes finding there way onto Kahn again as she continued to speak.

"So maybe by my not wanting to come back, I was being selfish. I did not care though, it was not as if I had much to lose, at least that was how I felt. The truth was though, if I did not come back, I would have everything to lose and nothing to gain."

Amalia narrowed her eyes at the Jedi Master, a small hint of anger finding its way toward her, it showed in her voice.

"I did not come all the way back here to have you push me away. You can try to push me away if you want to, but you won't get far...Because I'm not going to let what happened to me, happen to you."</font>

Kahn was not exactly in the best state of mind to listen to what his Master was saying. His emotions, at the moment, were taking more charge of his actions than any rational thought. His mind knew what she was saying about pushing her away, yet he would not comprehend it. The hurt he was feeling was causing him to try and collapse in on himself, to withdraw from reality.

The tint of anger that flavored Amalia's words did not go unnoticed as the Jedi Master listened to her. Rather than apologize or try to work out both of their feelings through words, Kahn felt his own anger rising up to match Amalia's. His tone carried that Darker undercurrent just as hers had, although he didn't really want to direct any misgivings towards her. Rather, he was bitter with himself.

"What's the use, Master? I don't have anything to live for any more; Hanna and I were supposed to build a family together. We were supposed to live happily ever after!"

The Jedi Master's anger was still there, but it was directed now entirely at himself, not Amalia. He had experienced the death of a loved one early on in life, and those old scars were beginning to reopen along with his fresh wounds, something that could have dire consequences.

" I should have been there for her. I swore I would always protect her, that I wouldn't let anyone ever hurt her again. But I failed."

Kahn felt his anger bubbling within him, churning under his skin. The helplessness and guilt that he had initionally felt over Hanna's death had changed to that negative emotion now. His next words were spoken more quietly, as though to himself.

"Just like I failed my mother. If I can't even save the person I love more than anything in the galaxy, then what's the point of living? My world is broken now."

And indeed it was, to Kahn at least. Hanna had been his missing piece, and the two had fit together perfectly. The news that he was to be a father had filled Kahn with new responsibility, awe, and love. Now that that had all been taken away from him, the emptiness was unbearable. He didn't mean to push Amalia away, but it was the only way he could think to react.

<font color="lightblue">Oh how Amalia wished oh so suddenly that she had never opened up her mouth. She appeared to be making things worse, instead of better. She could not expect to make things better, really. In truth, things were not better at all.

All she wanted to do was comfort Kahn, not make him feel any worse than he already was feeling.

Surprisingly though, every word that escaped Kahn's mouth only seemed to make the Jedi Master become more angry.

He doesn't have anything to live for anymore???

Amalia knew what he meant, but he still wasn't thinking clearly. How could she expect him to. Hanna had meant everything to him, his support, his love, even his world, and now she was gone.

He still didn't see Amalia right in front of him though, and that's what made her angry. More so though, confused.

...Confused because he had so much left to live for, even if Hanna was gone.

Her anger seemed to fade as quickly as it had come, perhaps it had been more of a means of frustration then anger because he was not seeing things clearly.

"Kahn, you have so much more to live for. I know you can't see it now, but just think about what you're saying. I know Hanna means the world to you, and she probably always will. However, you should not consider nor believe that you have nothing else to live for.

Think about your padawans, Kahn, think about your Jedi comrades..Think about me."

Amalia's face softened, and tears formed in her eyes again.

"...Why would you want to leave me here so selfishly? Leave me here with such pain..."

Amalia shook her head, trying not to let her tears fall.

"...You and I have known one another far longer than you or I both have known Hanna."

She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment, knowing that this was not the direction she wanted to take this talk, so she silently retraced her thoughts.

"..I'm not trying to make you forget about Hanna, I just want you to realize what it is you're saying....and to understand...To understand, that although Hanna meant a great deal to you, you too mean a great deal, and you can't just forget that..."


Amalia reached over with her hands toward Kahn, hesitating, worried that Kahn would not let her reach out to him, he did, and she gave his hands a reassuring squeeze. Her tone was even a bit more softer now.

"You did not fail, Kahn. There is nothing you could have done differently that would have saved Hanna. Fate did this, not you. No, it's not fair, but there's nothing you could have done, not even if you could go back and change it. Perhaps you'd be able to saver her this time, but what about next time?"

Though it probably was not the time to smile, Amalia did.

"You protected Hanna until her very last days, Kahn. Think of how happy she was to finally be back in your arms again, after all that time apart. I know, that no matter where Hanna went or what she did, she always had a smile on her face, and all because of you. You remember that..."

She shook her head no at him, remembering the rest of what he had said.

"Your world is broken for right now, but it is never lost, broken yes, but never lost. There are so many things that you have done right in this world Kahn, I can't even count them all on one hand because there are far too many things. True, there are things you have failed at, but no one is perfect, Kahn. However, nothing here you've told to me that you consider a failure, is actually a failure. There is much more that you have yet to give. You have no idea what will happen within your future, but you must learn to take the bad with the good. It is a lot hard to deal with the bad yes, but you can get through it, with help. Don't give up, all you need is time. Your wounds will mend, perhaps never completely, but they will mend, and you will begin to feel better. Not now, not next week, not even a few months from now, but you will heal."

Amalia did not know if what she was saying had got through to the Jedi Master, but it was all she could give him. It was honest, and meant with the utter most care.</font>

OOC: Excellent post. :)

IC:

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> As Amalia spoke, Kahn began to realize part of the truth that her words held. The wound he had suffered only minutes earlier kept him from being able to rationalize with all of what she said, but he did see the hurt that her eyes held. And although some, after such a tragedy, might have wanted to lash out at others, Kahn had no intentions of causing anyone else pain.

The Jedi Master would not have admitted it, for the sake of keeping what little harmony was left, but he did not believe that he had done all that he could have for Hanna. If only the Force had warned him, or if he had been more alert. Perhaps he could have felt some shadow that would have changed his actions so that he stopped Hanna from ever leaving.

What if....

Those words replayed hundreds of times in Kahn's mind, each time followed with a different event that might have prevented his soul mate's death. There were so many ways he could have prevented it, if only he had known somehow what the future would bring.

But he hadn't known. And that was what had decided things. The Force, fate, a deity of some sort - whatever you wanted to call it, Hanna's death had occured because of those things. It hadn't been anything he or anyone else had done; and yet, the Jedi Master would not let himself see this.

It is human nature to try and place the blame on someone when things go wrong. Kahn might have blamed the pilot of the ship, or the mechanic who worked on it. But, because of his character, as well as the fact that he was a Jedi, he instead chose to blame himself.

However, he found that he no longer had the energy to argue that point with Amalia. The shock of what had happened and the tears he had shed had used up his energy, and now all he wanted to do was curl up and die.

But the pain in Amalia's gaze as she had first spoken kept him from voicing his thoughts aloud. Instead, with some difficulty, he met her eyes and began to speak.<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

"Amalia, I would never want to leave you purposely. You know that you were the one who saved me, who turned me to the Light. You've been my best friend for many years. I would never want to cause you pain."

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> Here his voice caught as he continued.<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

"It's just that....Hanna....she was....I mean..."

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> Kahn paused, trying to put words to the emotions that pulsed within him when he had been with her, the way he had felt so utterly complete when she was near.<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

"I loved her. And now that she's gone, it feels like....like that part of me is missing again, only worse, because I found it and then it was ripped away from me."

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> The Master paused once more, expression saddening even more.<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

"I even lost those two new pieces of myself, Amalia. I had dreamed of having a family with Hanna, of having children to raise together with her."

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--> He was getting off-track now, he could see that.<!--EZCODE ITALIC END-->

"I'm sorry, Amalia. I just feel so.....destroyed."

OOC: Thankies.:) Yours isn't so bad either.;):)

IC: There's so much he needs to know, not to know, but to see. I can't really get through to him, though I am trying, and I will continue to.


"Death is never to be taken lightly, but it is as natural as nature. Forgive me for being so blunt, I don't mean to be, there is just no other way to put this. We all have a life to live, and then we die. It is the corse of things. Some die more quickly than others, some a lot later on in life. Those close to those who have died, morn their loss of their relatives and loved ones. They go through the pain, and the suffering of not having their loved ones with them. However, at some point, life has to and will go on....But forever will those loved ones be remembered, not because they died, no, because they were loved, cherished, and because their life was also yours."

The Jedi Master suddenly found herself standing up, looking down at Kahn.

"I know I will never be able to find the right words to say to you. All in all, is that I am trying to tell you that you will make it through this, however rough it is...That you must also know that this is not the end for you, nor is it for Hanna. She is in a better place now, and I know, that she is looking down at you and she is smiling at you. You most probably have an angel looking over your shoulder, Kahn, don't upset her by thinking you need to end your life so suddenly. As you know, Hanna had dreams such as you did, perhaps the same as you did, honor those dreams by completing them in this lifetime for her, while you still can. You still have much to make a difference for, if not for yourself, then for Hanna."