Brave words. Arrogant words.
I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if I spoke them long enough if I would ever begin to believe them.
A person can live an entire lifetime in the shittiest of circumstances, make the most self destructive decisions imaginable and yet, still be ok with it in their minds until...
there it is!
until
Until you are called to accountability.
Until you are called to share it.
To choose life for my planet would have killed the Capricians but I owed them nothing.
To chose life for my planet would have also had me living on Sparthios with my parents.
Alive after all these years.
It is funny, when they are dead they begin to hold some magical aura over you as if their lives were the pinnacle of perfection that their children could never ever attain.
So they never try.
The death becomes the grave that swallows all guilt, all motivation...
And Sparthios took that all away.
The guilt that my life had never amounted to much had come back and the fear of disappointment in their eyes became all too unbearable.
I could not face them like this!
I feared facing them.
I would rather face death. In fact, everyone I know would rather face death ...they would gladly face death than the accountability of their actions.
I am no different.
So I chose death.
Let the Capricians and their Commonwealth figure it out later.
"So is that what it was?"
I nearly jumped out of my skin at the voice.
I looked around seeing nobody. My gaze turned to the mirror and I saw the stylus in my pocket staring at me.
"Nothing makes the brain work harder and more skillfully than trying to justify guilt." the stylus stated sagely.
"Shut up," I muttered.
"Cut the pity crap," the stylus ordered.
"I do fear facing my parents," I complained.
"You fear being broke even more," the stylus admonished.
"What do you mean?" I asked, shocked.
"Sparthios said it himself. When this ship comes back, it will be the first from Sparthios from Sephis. It will make quite an impression on your people and they will join this Commonwealth. This ship and these Capricians will have come back from the home of Empion. The home of God.
The atheists will see it as an opportunity to scientifically reinforce their beliefs. The religious will see it as a fundamental reawakening of their faith."
"So there will be alot of people getting behind the Capricians and their Commonwealth." I replied.
"You disingenious twit. What you never say is that you are also the only one of your people to come back as well. You will embody their hopes and fears all onto as the one man who went to the home of God and returned.
You will bless babies, have lots of sex, speak at lots of functions and pretty much direct the state of affairs of your world socially for decades to come, assuming you are allowed that long."
I looked as the stylus' face turned rigid. I was staring at my writing instrument for a good long while contemplating my return.
My glorious return home.
I grinned.
Well shit. A man's gotta eat!
I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if I spoke them long enough if I would ever begin to believe them.
A person can live an entire lifetime in the shittiest of circumstances, make the most self destructive decisions imaginable and yet, still be ok with it in their minds until...
there it is!
until
Until you are called to accountability.
Until you are called to share it.
To choose life for my planet would have killed the Capricians but I owed them nothing.
To chose life for my planet would have also had me living on Sparthios with my parents.
Alive after all these years.
It is funny, when they are dead they begin to hold some magical aura over you as if their lives were the pinnacle of perfection that their children could never ever attain.
So they never try.
The death becomes the grave that swallows all guilt, all motivation...
And Sparthios took that all away.
The guilt that my life had never amounted to much had come back and the fear of disappointment in their eyes became all too unbearable.
I could not face them like this!
I feared facing them.
I would rather face death. In fact, everyone I know would rather face death ...they would gladly face death than the accountability of their actions.
I am no different.
So I chose death.
Let the Capricians and their Commonwealth figure it out later.
"So is that what it was?"
I nearly jumped out of my skin at the voice.
I looked around seeing nobody. My gaze turned to the mirror and I saw the stylus in my pocket staring at me.
"Nothing makes the brain work harder and more skillfully than trying to justify guilt." the stylus stated sagely.
"Shut up," I muttered.
"Cut the pity crap," the stylus ordered.
"I do fear facing my parents," I complained.
"You fear being broke even more," the stylus admonished.
"What do you mean?" I asked, shocked.
"Sparthios said it himself. When this ship comes back, it will be the first from Sparthios from Sephis. It will make quite an impression on your people and they will join this Commonwealth. This ship and these Capricians will have come back from the home of Empion. The home of God.
The atheists will see it as an opportunity to scientifically reinforce their beliefs. The religious will see it as a fundamental reawakening of their faith."
"So there will be alot of people getting behind the Capricians and their Commonwealth." I replied.
"You disingenious twit. What you never say is that you are also the only one of your people to come back as well. You will embody their hopes and fears all onto as the one man who went to the home of God and returned.
You will bless babies, have lots of sex, speak at lots of functions and pretty much direct the state of affairs of your world socially for decades to come, assuming you are allowed that long."
I looked as the stylus' face turned rigid. I was staring at my writing instrument for a good long while contemplating my return.
My glorious return home.
I grinned.
Well shit. A man's gotta eat!
END