No Refunds

Posts: 1584

Amalia Braska set down the box she was carrying, and paused to catch her breath.

“I think that’s the last of the stuff for the living room. Leia… tell me again, why didn’t you and Tyscio just hire a moving company to do all of the heavy lifting?”

“I didn’t want a bunch of burly men tracking mud through my brand new house!” Leia appeared from an adjoining room she had been working in, and produced a knife to open the box Amalia had just brought in. She grinned, and began to rummage through the contents. “Besides, you would think that with all of our Force capabilities we would be able to….” She trailed off as her hand encountered a cold metallic object, and her fingers closed around it. ”Ah, that’s where I put it!”

Amalia immediately recognized the cylindrical object Leia pulled out of the box as her old lightsaber. Leia had given it to her the day of her promotion to Jedi Master as a gift, and Amalia in turn had given it back when she left the Jedi Order. Many years had passed since then, but for whatever reason Leia had kept it ever since.

Leia studied the gleaming silver hilt of the lightsaber for a moment, before extending her arm to offer it to Amalia. “Here. I gave this to you a long time ago, and it is still yours to keep.”

Amalia backed away uncertainly, her emotions suddenly flaring. “I… Leia, I can’t…”

“Why not?” Leia’s voice was soft, and neutral.

“I’m... not that person anymore.” Amalia’s head seemed to bow as she answered, as if resigned.

“Mmm” Leia’s expression was still carefully neutral.

Things had been chaotic since they had arrived on Capricia together, with the wedding and the final details of the construction of the house taking up a large portion of Leia’s time and attention. Through it all Amalia had kept mostly to herself, hanging quietly in the background when permitted but seeming to enjoy the time she spent rekindling her friendship with Leia when asked to help with one task or another.

Despite Amalia’s quiet reserve, Leia had been able to sense the turmoil of emotions deep within her old friend. Although Amalia had yet to admit it, Leia suspected that there was more purpose to Amalia’s visit than simply rekindling an old friendship.

But just as Amalia had chosen to reunite with Leia in her own time, so did Amalia have to reveal the true reason for her appearance and her own needs in her own time.

Leia studied the hilt of the lightsaber for a moment, before turning to look at the stone fireplace which dominated one corner of the room.

“I’ll put it on the mantle for now.”

Amalia Braska

Posts: 211

“I’m not that person anymore,” she repeated, more confidently. The feeling behind the words, seeming to express the sudden dawning of two unexpected results which caused her to repeat the words in the first place.

“I was immature, naïve, impatient, rash, impulsive, incredibly sensitive – and very much too eager.”

Yet, while the words failed to hit the air, Amalia was still those things. The only difference now was that she had not only come to accept herself, but was content.

Content with everything but that saber and the title she had been given so many years ago.

“Amalia Braska is not a Jedi Master. Never will be that, even if at one time, she thought she was, just that.”

She seemed to still have the clouded underscore about her that had often held her progression back. Almond shaped brown eyes kept stubborn focus on the mantle, rather than onto the lightsaber. It wasn’t as if she was ashamed, more that looking upon the weapon made her remember, and she did not want to go back there.

“I hate labels, purity, and rules.”

Yet as much as she was the same, the more she was different.

“Not only does that saber represent a part of who I still am –“

There, she had admitted it. She was still that girl.

“ – It also represents something I never was.”

Just like years before, the spell of complication reared its obvious head, but it was something Amalia did not find herself dwelling on. Instead it simply was. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

“I don’t want to go back, because the truth is, if I ever bothered to do so, I’d just be in a nightmare I could never get out of. Not alive anyway.”

She released a suppressed sigh, feeling somehow refreshed upon doing so.

“Despite the ways I’ve stayed the same and the ways I’ve changed, there is something that’s always been consistent and will never change. You will always be my master, and I, your student.”

Amalia’s head craned to the side as she glanced back over her shoulder at Leia, a roguish smile cresting lightly over her lips.

“As well as your best friend that you wish would just stop being a pain in the ass.”

Brown eyes sparkled with both amusement and fondness for the woman that had always been there, even through space and time. In all the years the two women had known each other, there was always an unspoken push and pull mentality between them, though fiercely evident in their interactions.

Truth be told, perhaps Amalia had resided a little, content with hanging quietly in the background when permitted, where she once would have wedged her way through.

Smile fleeting, Amalia slowly turned, facing Leia and the saber fully as she looked down at it.

“If you want me to take it back, I will, willingly, but only under the guise that there is no going back from who and what we are. That you take what is, and I’ll do the same.”

There had always been, one too many times, where Amalia had found herself wanting more of Leia than she was able to give. In some few instances, the same held true of Leia toward Amalia.

Slowly her arm reached out, fingers lightly but patiently to unfold, but still just as eager, as Amalia’s palm finally held flat in wait.

“No refunds,” she shared, brown eyes casting to meet the eyes of their master, mentor, and friend.

Yes, finally, Amalia was content with hanging quietly in the background when permitted while seeming to not only enjoy it, but the time spent with Leia and her flourishing family, too. A place of background in which once upon a time, Amalia would have loathed because she thought she was being left out or left behind. Reality had finally come to show her that she was every bit a part of Leia’s life as she had always hoped to be. There was closure to something that had taken Amalia years to figure out.

“Quick, before I change my mind.”

Leia Organa Solo

Posts: 1584

Leia sighed, a somber expression creeping over her face as she did so.

“I once gave this to a Jedi Master...”

She allowed the saber hilt to drop into Amalia’s outstretched hands.

“…and a Jedi Master will keep it.”

Amalia immediately opened her mouth to lodge her protest, but Leia was quick to cut her off.

“You always were my most difficult student, just listen for a minute!”

For a moment Amalia seemed conflicted over how to respond, but at last she crossed her arms over her chest. She simply stared at Leia; her lips pressed together into a tight line that clearly indicated she did not like taking such orders.

“You don’t like being addressed like an Apprentice, do you?” Leia asked, without waiting for a reply. “Well, you shouldn’t. Not even by me.”

Amalia’s stare seemed to intensify, and Leia was the first to break eye contact. She chose to turn and gaze instead at the bare mantelpiece, her back to Amalia.

“Every Apprentice is young, naïve, impulsive, and eager. You know that; you’ve certainly trained your share of them.”

Amalia shifted her weight restlessly, unhappy that Leia had turned her back. Where was Leia going with this…?

“When you started your training; you were all of those things too… plus you lacked self confidence. But your sensitivity… you were so attuned to emotions; not just your own, but everyone around you as well.

You were gifted.

I watched you struggle with your training at times… the expectations I placed on my Apprentices were hard enough to deal with. But you had to deal with the added burden of learning how to manage your sensitivity to emotions at the same time. That constant internal struggle would have broken a lesser person, but you have always been strong. And stubborn… as stubborn as me. You wouldn’t give up, and neither would I. You made it through.

I knew that you would be a great Jedi, with unique strengths that many others would never even understand. And you did become that great Jedi, Amalia. You did. When the Jedi Council officially recognized you as a Jedi Master, it wasn’t because we were “making” you a Master… we were simply recognizing what you had become."

Leia paused, finally turning to Amalia once again.

“I am not your Master anymore, and you are not my Student. What I am; is your friend… and your mentor if you happen to occasionally need it. When you were a Master in the Order… you were mine."

Amalia's strength in the Force had grown substantially since Leia had last seen her, there was no mistaking it.

“We can’t help what we are, Amalia. You are right… there is no going back. But there is no more hiding, either.

You are still a Jedi, Amalia… I can feel it. Stronger than ever.”

Perhaps it was time for Amalia to stop hiding in the background.

Amalia Braska

Posts: 211

Even before the words had come to be vocalized, exited Leia’s lips and into Amalia’s ears, Amalia knew. It would have been a process that Amalia would have easily seen as the path toward resistance as seeing eye to eye, unfortunately, was not one of their strong suits always, as a team, at times. Yet because times had changed, and so had Amalia overtime, it wasn’t resistance she saw anymore. Nor did she see the moment as a moment where she was wrong and Leia was right. It wasn’t about that. No, Amalia simply saw the words for what they were, for truth. Which was why, immediately following what Leia had to say, Amalia clipped the instrument onto the place that it had always belonged and should have never drifted away from. Her utility belt. It was that simple, and while she had made this declaration toward Leia, believing every word that had come from her own lips, sometimes, oddly enough, Leia knew her better than she knew herself. Though perhaps that was not entirely correct. She could acknowledge the fact that she hid behind many things, many opportunities. Leia easily called her on it.

Amalia’s brow furrowed and she was caught deep in thought, her shoulders having slumped a little, not in defeat, but in ease of relaxation. Her gaze was directed toward the distance, but to nothing in particular.

“For years, I starved for the independence I thought you weren’t really giving me. I thought you looked at me as a child. After all, they don’t get to discuss the grownup things that they know might weigh on the shoulders of the ones they care about, even if they are young and inexperienced.”

Though the expression on her brow never changed, brown eyes easily shifted to look back at Leia.

“I took that wall that you built up, the one you would not allow me to bypass but I starved to break down, as something personal, believing that it was just because I was me, and not somebody else. Times like that, I had wished I was somebody else, anybody else, so that you would have broke the barrier..”

Amalia’s eyes misted over a little. It had been a sad approach to the experience, but back then, she had not understood, nor had she taken the time to do so. She briefly closed her eyes and upon reopening them, the tears that had threatened to cascade over were no longer present. Amalia appeared more at peace, less fragile.

“I realize now, that you didn’t want me to be anyone else but who I was. To be confident about who I was, and that anything else was just in my head.”

She shrugged it off, but back then, those feelings had caused her an overwhelming amount of strife, and she wished she could have found the understanding that she had now, back then. It would have made everything a whole lot easier for her.

“I’ve never liked that wall. I had grown to hate it, even, but I didn’t understand back then, and I thought it was something you did on purpose to me because I thought I wasn’t good enough or deserving enough to be allowed past it. You were allowing others in, but you wouldn’t allow me, and we became more estranged, though it didn’t help that I pushed you away. I realize now that it had absolutely nothing to do with me at all. You were doing what you needed to do for you and I should not have tried to push you so hard. I should have been more understanding, and for that, I’m sorry.”

Amalia did not think that Leia required any sort of apology from her, but nevertheless, over the years, the realization and the surrounding guilt over looking to blame both herself and Leia, once upon a time, had weighed hard. It was something she could have kept to herself and maybe Leia would have never known, but she felt like Leia deserved to know. She wanted the weight of the guilt to be lifted from her shoulders, and the only way to do it was to share what she’d hid for so long.

Amalia liked to think that what she was about to say, would explain it all, if it had not already.

“I guess that’s why I’m trying so hard to hide away from acknowledging that I am that Jedi Master. I didn’t want to be ashamed, but the truth was, when I handed you my saber that day, I was. I’d carried all of that with me, because I’d been stubborn and had not bothered to share it with you. I had not bothered to because I was afraid to. I thought I’d lost your acceptance, that I would always be a child to you, when I should have tried to see that you wanted me to find my way, and my confidence. When we had drifted apart, it seemed to die with ease, when before, that confidence was trying to brew over time. You weren’t just my Master, my friend; you were and always have been, like family to me. When I came to Naboo, to what seems like a lifetime ago now, I was without guidance, direction, lost. As my teacher, you changed my life. You are only one person, but you made the biggest difference in my life and at some point, when that occurred, I realized I wanted to do the same for you, even if I was the student. We grew close, and then somewhere along the way, we drifted apart. Somewhere after that, I forgot about what you wanted for me as my friend and my teacher, knowing I wanted it too, and settled into thinking about how so much change, felt like such a bad thing. I lost myself somewhere along the way after that, out of fear mostly, I think. I ran away, but I eventually came to understand that I needed that time away. I was able to get out of that slump, reevaluate, and look to find my way back. As much as I wish I could hide from what it is you’re telling me, I can’t. It’s a part of who I am, and I’ve had some of my most defining moments as a Jedi Master, and I will have more. I’ve slowly come to embrace change, now it’s the familiar that I wish I wasn’t so afraid of.”