"-mit!" said Peterson as he sat up with the speed only given to those who are woken up from near death in these situations*.

With the eye that wasn't sore, Peterson glanced around the remains of the shuttle. The corpses of two of the passengers who had been travelling with them were still sitting in their seats. Or, at least, the shapes of the two passengers were sitting in their seats. Peterson glanced around the cabin until he found the groaning figure of Case.

"Come on, wake up," Peterson said.

"Am I dead?" Case managed between groans.

"No."

"Good, wake me up when I am then."

"Oh, well, alright then," said Peterson, and began to make his way in the general direction of the door.

"No, wait, I'm getting up, I'm getting up." Case stood there rubbing his shoulder for a few seconds before he asked, "Where's the third one?"

"The third one what?"

"The third guy. You know, the other person who was in the ship?"

"What, the robot?"

"No, that man."

"Oh, him," said Peterson. He ran over to the escape hatch, "He's in here. And," he trotted over to the cockpit, "He's also in here. With bits in between."

"Right, well, I'm out."

"I'm behind you."

On their way out, no one even bothered to check what the time was.

*There had been a few attempts to harness this as an energy source on Barko, before the hyperdrive. It was all very complicated and finally was deemed a foolish and much too expensive endeavor. The fact that every test always ended up very messy only contributed a little to the decision to cut the project.

"You're sure we're alive?"

"Positive."

"Damn."

Case examined the crashed ship that had taken them so gracefully into the hangar bays of the starship Quincy. Or the remnants of the crashed ship, anyways. Now, it was probably a crime against nature and the laws of physics to even call it a ship. Instead, beaten up hunks of metal with engines strapped on would be a more appropriate name, but seeing as most inhabitants of the known galaxy are too incredibly lazy to write beaten up hunks of metal with engines strapped on, ship will continue to be used through the rest of the story. Seeing as there is little need to mention the remains of the shuttle often, this won't be much of a problem.

If someone asks how God, a thief and a robot got here, however, we are all damned.

"YEAARGH!"

"What did you say?" Case asked.

"I didn't say anything," said Peterson.

"YEEHA!"

"There you go again!"

"I tell you, I'm not saying anything!"

"Well if it's not you, and I'm sure it's not me because I would know," Case paused and thought this over for a moment. "You haven't been taken over by a parasite, have you?"

"Uh, parasite?"

"You know, one of those nasty little bug things? Sneaks into your body and you don't realize it, then takes control and pretends to be you so we don't get suspicious. We wouldn't get any damn suspicious anyways, but it doesn't take precautions. Then, when I least expect it WHAM! Right out of the chest cavity and starts sucking out my brains."

"Oh dear, that's what a parasite is?"

"Yep."

"You don't think I have one of those, do you?"

Case glanced over him, "No, don't think so. You're supposed to have some kind of special sign that gives the infected away, like yellow eyes or something."

"Oh, good. Because it sounds ghastly."

"It is, Peterson. It is."

"WHOOP!"

"Now who the hell is saying that?"



It was, in fact, God.

God was rather excited, you see. During the moment when the droid had died and everyone else had passed out, God had seized the controls of the shuttle. Where Case's shuttle had crashed and only barely made it into the closing doors of the hangar*, God had gracefully glided his in, receiving only a few dents and prematurely ending the lives of three innocent droids, who were looking forward to living out the rest of their days in luxury and plenty of oil baths. He was celebrating by tying a bandana around his head and shooting every wall in sight with a blaster. This was, of course, a normal activity for God.

"Ah, well, glad to see he made it," said Case to Peterson.

"I suppose we'll have to go wake the others up?"

"Probably. But, one question."

"Yes?"

"Do you have any idea how we got here?"


*This is almost like a rule. Whenever the Empire, alien invasion, or basic bad guys shoot down/turn off the power/otherwise disable the hero's oncoming shuttle, they usually make it just in time before the hangar doors close. Now, if they had just kept it simple and left the doors open, the heroes would have undoubtedly died, some Galactic Empire or another would continue to be standing, start a reign of evil for about thirty more years when the emperor dies naturally, and the galaxy lives out its days in peace and order.

In stories, no one ever bothers with directions. They, the heroes, can somehow board a ship, miles long and yet still find their way without any trouble at all. And while there are a few incidents with trash compactors, this normally important factor seems to bother no one at all.

Perhaps, with the benefits of technology, finding your way around isn't so much a problem anymore.

Or, maybe, historians think it's boring to hear how the fearsome Sith Lord and Emperor had to spend several hours searching for the nearest lavatory.


"Where the hell are we?" Case grumbled and slumped to the ground.

"We could ask Halley..." ventured Peterson. For the past hour they had been trying to avoid that.

"Desperate times," muttered Linda and flicked on a nearby computer console.

"Hey, everybody!" said a thousand voices in perfect symphony, "I've been wondering where you were. I was pretty sure you were dead!"

"Obviously we aren't," replied Linda pleasantly. "Say, Halley, could you do us a little favour?"

"Sure, anything!"

"Where are we?"

"Just across from the computer core..."

"Thanks."

"... but you can't go in there."

Linda stared at, for lack of a better word, him. "Why can't we go in?"

"Because it's, uh, dangerous. Yes, very dangerous without the proper equipment."

"And where would we find proper equipment?"

"Oh, I can't give you that. You don't have security access."

"I'll let you know that I'm a Lie-" Peterson started but Linda interrupted him.

"We're going in there, Halley, and there's nothing you can do about it."

"But,,, if... oh, the others are going to kill me!" said Halley and the computer shut off.



A few moments - which had been spent trying to figure out which direction 'across' was - later, they found the computer room. Linda reached up to switch the door open, but Case stopped her.

"Wait, wait, what if it is dangerous?"

"It's not dangerous."

"Oh, and how do you know that?"

Linda sighed. "Because Halley was lying. There's something in here, and we're not supposed to see it."

Case let go of her arm. "Oh," he said and backed away, "er, go ahead and open the door then."

Linda flicked the switch and the door swooshed open. And everyone gasped.

A rather flustered (for a droid, anyway) Halley rushed out and shut the door. He promptly used himself to bar the door.

"Nohumansareallowedinthecomputercore!" said Halley quickly. "It is for your own safety!"

"Computer core?" exclaimed Case, "It's a damn nightclub! The whole computer core is just another dark nightclub!"

Halley shook its head, "No! It's the best nightclub! In all of Barko!"

"But it's not supposed to be the greatest nightclub! It's supposed to be the greatest computer core! Where are all the monitors? All those little sheets with those numbers and letters you don't understand but you're glad someone else has to!"

"They're there, you just can't see them!"

"But this isn't how I imagined it at all!"

"We weren't expecting it either!"

"But... but why was it kept so secret? There isn't anything special about it at all! It was supposed to be the most advanced computer mind in the world, right behind the A.I.! But it's just a loud, foul-smelling nightclub!"

"Yes! That is precisely why it was kept a secret! It wasn't because we knew anything," explained Halley, "it was just too embarrassing to let out. That's why it was kept a secret!"

Case stared and, not for the first time in his life, realized that the universe was far, far too complicated for him. Somewhere inside his brain, his inner simian was whimpering and hoping for a quick lie down.

"Where hath Linda and the droid gone?" asked God.




It just so happened that at that very moment, Linda and the droid were making their way through the nightclub.

The droid followed, fascinated, behind the woman. Unlike the others, she lacked all the confusion and foolishness that seemed to plague the others. The robot adjusted a file in his mind that if it ever came to it, he should shoot her first. Which was damn near giving a compliment.

Linda, meanwhile, had only one thing on her mind as she pushed her way through the crowd of Halley straight toward the leader. Now, this could because of some clever logic that the leader would be the DJ, but the truth of the matter was that she could pick out the leader so easily because it had "Ha11ey" spray-painted on its forehead.

She pushed the leader over, switched off the music, and addressed the crowd of disgruntled droids.

"You are going to let me and my friends come through the computer core, and then you are going to show us to the bridge. Okay?"

"But we're not allowed to!" said the leader.

"Yes, and no humans are allowed inside! Ever!" a Halley shouted and stepped forward from the crowd. "We should throw you out!"

"Really?" Linda asked, and shot the droid. The clang as its head hit the ground echoed across the room and quieted murmers from the crowd.

"Would anyone else like to debate the matter?"

The five and their Halley guide were all sitting in front of a makeshift campfire. All six of them were staring at the same thing.

The object in question just happened not to be a something, but a someone. The encounter still hung fresh in everyone's mind.

"It's rather nice of you to come with us," Peterson said.

"Your female makes a very good argument." Halley had replied.

This caused a level of confusion with Case because neither Linda or the droid had said anything about what had happened in the ni- computer room. But this was shoved to the back of his head in a long queue of confusion that was slowly waiting its turn to jump forward and hit his sanity with a mallet.

Case looked away from Halley and found him staring straight into the blue eyes of a madman.

"Ahhh!" Case screamed but was held in place by two worried and well-tended hands.

"The end is near! Beware!" the man screamed and promptly feignted.


After that mess, they'd made camp. While to some this would seem unnecessary. But in a large ship with little transportation, 'to the battlestations!' can suddenly turn into a two week venture.

"Who is he?" asked Linda.

"First Technician Arnold J. Riddle," said Halley, "I've heard of things like this. People see horrors on journeys that no man was meant to see. Sad, really."
"But he couldn't have been on this ship nearly long enough for him to go mad, let alone seeing any horrors," said Linda.

Case only stared at the still man. Now that he thought of it, this was the first time he had seen any sort of life on the ship. And he didn't look like a madman... madmen were supposed to be shaggy and wearing rags, not shaven, clean and absolutely spotless. Weren't they?

The thief glanced around and noticed, for the first time, the small piles of dust that littered the floor.

"Halley, what are these piles?" asked Case and, with scientific precision, he walked over to the nearest one and tasted it.

"That," replied Halley, "would be Communications Officer Ridley, GND, PhD*, Berkley."

Case stared down at the tip of his tongue guiltily and brushed as much of it off.


Which turned out to be a rather embarrassing position to be in when the wall next to you explodes.


*These of course don't mean the same as they do in certain other star systems. Here, on Barko, they mean a person can add two and two and works well when yelled at.

Everything was dark, and would have been comfortable if Case couldn't hear voices.

"Is he going to be alright?"

"... there isn't anyone better at his job. He's studied with both the professors of..."

"I think someone should get the mop."

"No! Don't touch those! They're very dangerous!"

"I really think someone should get the mop."

"God, leave those monitors alone. And stop pressing buttons."

"Would someone please get the mop before I sick up!"

"No, I don't think you're helping any. Yes, I know he said it's in your hands now, but I believe that was just a figure of speech."

"I think he's waking up now..."

The noise died down quickly and there was a growing expectance hanging over the room. Case, who would rather have like to stay sleeping, gave in and tried opening his eyes. The bright light faded and became a blurred image. Case groaned.

Peterson's face perhaps wasn't the best thing to wake up to.


Case was sitting in bed, silent, every now and then taking a bite from the tray of hospital food Linda had brought him. There's an intergalactic rule that all hospital food, no matter what kind, tastes horrible. Case didn't notice too much because frankly, since day one of this whole adventure, plum juice ranked pretty low on the list of horrible things that have happened to him.

"... and so the wall blew up, and you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Case stared at them. "And then what happened?"

"Halley ran you to the infirmary, where the doctor treated you. The doctor is..."

"Him, right?" Case said and pointed at the rather nervous gorilla*.

"Er, yes. How did you know?"

"Because everything that has been happening to me is either painful or weird, and since the pain has already happened then I only have to guess on the weird," Case smiled proudly. "A couple of tsort'na'glugs** could be the only engineers on this ship, and I wouldn't even bat an eyelash."

"Well, actually if you were to follow me to the engine room," Halley began but was interrupted.

"See?" Case beemed.

*It's just a gorilla. It doesn't have six arms, it doesn't have wheels for legs. This is just one of those cases where an animal that should only be on one planet suddenly appears on another one light-years away.

** If you somehow mated an elephant with a lion, you would have an animal completely different from a tsort'na'glug, you sick bastard. As for the name, this sort of thing happens when you don't pay close attention to zoologists.

In spite of the Doctor's many ape-ish excuses, they managed to bring Case to his feet. When there was the choice between risking more injury and the death of you and everyone you know and care about, it helped put things in perspective. This didn't, of course, mean that Case wasn't going to complain about it. He was quite ready to complain the whole way if it wasn't for the fact that it seemed the cast in this horrible play called life had somewhat grown.

Either life was getting very exciting or this all was the product of some sick author.



"So who are you exactly?" It was a question mostly for Case's own sanity than answers. Putting a face to the name of the bulbous, ugly and oddly shaped droids wasn't too appealing.

"Swilliam Troy P-"

"So they named you after the owner? Great devotion to the company, sure, but not very creative."

"I am the owner," Swilliam said angrilly. "Swilliam Troy Pepsai."

"Wait... but you're.. you're a droid."

The blaster-toting droid who was becoming rather familiar to Case without actually becoming familiar at all mumbled something along the lines of "Stupid tree-climbing meatsack." Much to its annoyance, everyone but Linda failed to notice.

Swilliam - who Case mentally noted to call Swilly from then on for ease - sighed. "I'll have to explain things to you, then."

Case listened.


"So when you died, you had your mind... copied and your persona digitally placed into a droid. That wouldn't help you live forever, you know."

"Seems to have," Swilly attempted a shrug which didn't seem to work.

"That still doesn't explain who that is. You know, it looks awfully like those ugly mugs your company-"

Linda groaned.

"She is my wife," said Swilliam in the tone of one is very close to losing his patience*.

"Oh do be quiet Troy. I think they are all very nice."

"If you say so, Trisha," Swilliam mumbled. If his metallic face would allow it, he would be glaring.

"And God is so very charming." Case, who had his mouth opening to say something suddenly found this train of thought viciously derailed.

"Wha..? You think God is charming?" Most people after meeting God told them to have it put down because it was a danger to society.

"Oh yes. He has this roguish air about him."

"Really," was all Case could manage. Peterson, seeing this as an opening, said, "Well, we'd best be going. Have to save the world and all."

"Wait!" Trisha called after them. "Oh, Troy, please do something. Their hearts are in the right place. And it'll be days if they keep going that way."

"Fine," Swilliam said in the voice of someone who has seen how the row would turn out. "There's a faster way there."

"But," Halley said, "are you sure?"

"Yes," said Swilliam. "There's no other way around it."


*The sort of patience that people remark on how big it must be. For some reason, these are always the first ones to go.

This is the starship Quincy.

It is bright, in the same way whitewash splashed on the side of the grubbiest wall in the world is bright. It isn't sleek. It is more like a giant silver fist of metal than a fish. This is because the designers had sat together, looked at the size of the thing and, were it to fall to a planet somewhere, it was obvious everyone was going to die horribly no matter how it looked. So they had decided to make it as easy on gravity as they could in the hopes that it would be grateful and spare a droid or two.

Here, we zoom in. Tiny droids, invisible from a distance, fly by. Every once in a while, one pauses to make minute repairs to the ship. And, in the instant it took for it to stop it flies away again.

There is also a walkway, running along the port - or is it aft? - of the ship, from front to back. And on it, six figures, five of them suited like something from a space odyssey, are running. If you use the term running loosely.



"Wow. I feel like I'm in that movie... what was it called?"

"I believe it was Two Thousand something*, wasn't it?" Someone ventured.

"Was that the one with HAL?" Peterson asked.

"Yes, that's right. That cheerful computer kept me up at night for months. I always shudder at the part where dave says, 'Open the pod bay doors, Hal.' And then HAL replied 'What's the magic word, Dave?!!'"

"Yeah, and Dave says, 'Please open the pod bay doors HAL' and HAL replies 'There!!!, now was that hard?!!' That computer was scary."

If Robot had teeth, he would have ground them. His survival program was trying as hard as it could to get him to grab the nearest one and smash his face-plate in. He was counting.

"There's a good view out here."

"Four," he said but no-one heard him. Robot arms grabbed at the nearest temporary spaceman's helmet and pulled. Suited arms twitched, and then the the figure stood unmoving and lifeless.

Case sighed over the comm system. "Halley, stop that. I don't see why you needed to put a suit on anyway."

The figure jerked back to life, pulled the helmet out of Robot's unwilling hands and hooked it back to the suit.

"I just thought it would be right to get into the feel of the thing."

Case sighed again. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing for humanity to be eliminated.

"Does anyone know where we are? This doesn't seem very fast."

"I'm sure," Halley, always loyal, said, "that he was referring to the lack of walls. It has to be faster."

During all this, God had been watching the droids fly by with the same calculated look normally associated with chess masters.

"God, what are you doing?"

A droid was whizzing by. God jumped and grabbed onto it firmly. There was a moment of motionlessness as they both floated in space. And then, at great speed, the droid took off again.

"Well," Peterson voiced after some time, "that was clever, wasn't it?"


*Otherwise known on Barko as "Ten years ago."

Every beginning has an end and this is the end of the beginning. This is the beginning of the end which is also a beginning which will end with the beginning of the end of beginning to end of beginning ending beginning.

And so on, until you grow a certain attraction to marmalade on fish and spend the rest of your days in a pink bath robe wondering where all the rabbits went.

Linda, Case, Peterson, God and the mysterious but trigger-happy Robot found that - after the flying-droid stunt - making it to the bridge of the ship was actually quite easy. Sadly, due to the laws of dramatics when concerning anything in space, Halley died in an emotional scene where he slipped off his flying droid and was left floating away in space. This always happens whenever the heroes of a story attempt something in space*.

The details of it all will be skipped over because, in fact, it was all terribly boring.

Thick steel doors hissed open, and Mort spun - or, rather, floated - around and was about to say something dramatic and evil when Linda swung a very heavy pipe and struck the hovering volleyball. They mercilessly pushed him out an airlock. It had been a very bad day.


Everyone relaxed. Peterson smiled happily, Case exhaled in relief. God was happy because maybe, just maybe, humanity would stop being such petty sinners all the time and actually show some respect. Just in case, he might have to throw some lightning bolts.

Linda, however, was busy staring outside the large transparent steel window and working at the controls.

Halley walked in. "Did you win?"

"Yes!" cried Peterson, happily.

"Oh, that's wonderful!"

"Wait," Case said, "how did you get here? I thought the rest of the Halleys were in the computer room..."

"Oh, I took the trolley."

"The... trolley."

"Yes. There's a system of trolleys that allow you to access every part of the ship. A very bright idea. It saves hours of walking!"

Peterson and Robot exchanged a glance, and burst out in laughter.

"There's a trolley! Hah!"

Case smiled, but his attention was on Linda. She was still pressing the controls, switching to the different camera views outside the ship. And on every display...

Case raced over. The rest ignored him.

"... might even get medals!"

"Oh, yes. They might even name a holiday after you."

"Thou mean... God-day?"

"Well, they might skip you, God. It's only fair. You have enough holidays already."

"Oh, damn..."

"Where is it," Case said. It wasn't a question.

"Where's what? Linda, Case, what are you doing? We should be celebrating! We just saved the..." Peterson's voice trailed off. He was looking outside the viewport. Then he raced over.

"Check the portside..."

"This is the portside camera."

"Then check aft."

They switched views again. "There's just... rocks."

The three looked out in silence.

"Halley..." Case began.

"Yes?"

"What is the current state of the planet Barko?"

"Planet... Barko?"

"Planet Barko as presented by Uncle Milly's Shack of Burgers," Case said. There was an edge to his voice.

"Destroyed."

Case collapsed into a nearby seat, not even noticing the spilling of ashes of some former crew member he was sitting on.

"No, no..." Peterson repeated. Linda's eyes were fixed on the viewport, silent.

"When," Case began, "did this happen?"

"Several hours ago." The matter-of-factness of Halley's voice felt like a knife.

"Did anyone make it?"

"Current human survivors: four."

Case looked at his companions. Linda, God, Peterson... and himself. Four.

"Anyone else?"

"No other known human survivors. I'm sorry. The human race is extinct."

Case covered his eyes. It was all like some sort of dream.

"No... no, this can't be happening."

"I'm sorry," said Halley, patting Case on the shoulder. "Extinction is always something that happens to another species. You never expect it to happen to your own."