OOC: Amalia, I was wondering if you would like to do an RP dealing with the feelings of Kahn and Amalia after she leaves the Light, to see how their bond and friendship fares. If you aren't interested, just let me know and I'll ask for this to be deleted. :)

IC:

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy to be me.

Ancient civilizations had virtually now means of communication beyond their empires. They had no adequate means of transportation. For many of them, the only contact they had with other races was war.

Yet, something startling had been discovered by studies conducted concerning the myths and legends of different civilizations. Each and every race of people had heroes in their stories, although these civilizations were often separated by thousands of years. Mankind has some kind of need to develop heroes in society.

For the Greeks it was Jason and the Argonauts, Heracles, Perseus, and Theseus. The Egyptians took their Pharohs and made them into god-like figures. People were labeled 'heroes' because of the great deeds they had done, the skills they possessed.

The Jedi Master Kahn may have been called a hero; he had started out as a Sith, overcome the Darkness inside of him, and become a full Jedi. He had defeated numerous foes, and gone through rough times without giving in totally to the Dark Side.

Of course, being a hero isn't as great as people think it is. Heroes, as a general rule, are stronger than the average citizen. They don't feel physical or emotional pain the same way that others do; they're expected to be tough, to be invulnerable. They can't get hurt, and they can't be human.

So what happens when a hero does feel pain? What happens when a piece of his heart is destroyed? And then what will occur when someone that he depends on becomes an ally with those he fights against? Even heroes should have the right to bleed.

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A stream of water gently trickled through a forest as sunlight peeked through the foliage of the plantlife that thrived on Naboo. It was midday, and although the sun had risen to its zenith, a light breeze made the temperature comfortable.

Within a small clearing in the forest, a young man sat cross-legged, his eyes closed in meditation. His face was youthful, but there were lines in it that revealed a life full of hardships. His brown hair was cut short, and he wore the brown robe of a Jedi. Hiden by the folds of cloth, a lightsaber rested on his belt.

The Jedi Master's expression was troubled, and movement behind his eyelids revealed a certain restlessness. Something was not right with the Force, and had not been right for a time. Normally, Kahn would have passed it off as being the tremors from Hanna's death that still haunted him. For Kahn, the Force had never felt quite right after his wife died.

However, this disturbance was different. It wasn't caused by someone's death, but it did have the tinge of death with it. It was clouded, as though with the Dark Side. Familiar as well, at least to Kahn. Familiar and yet Dark, he wasn't sure what to make of it. It wasn't one of the Sith he knew from his past; he would have recognized the signature. No, he had the nagging feeling that it was someone he knew very well, a good friend.

But...that wasn't possible. He just wasn't able to understand it correctly; the thought that had briefly entered his mind as a solution to the disturbance was one that he refused to entertain; it would never happen. Or would it?

Just a moment alone...

That was all that she needed. Just some time to think things through and figure out what had gone wrong.

She didn't want to fix it, it seemed easier to simply figure it out.

What have I done?

She pondered the question as she traveled, her heart still beating in rapid succession. Her head seemed to pulsate to the beat of her own heart, but she didn't notice. Both movements she took as different rhythms, they increased with every step she took.

A stream of water...

If only her thoughts and feelings flowed for her right then and there. An even flow, so nice, yet so far to reach.

She could see the water as it trickled on downward, so clear, clean and beautiful.

She began to wish that she was that way too. Her thoughts weren't clear, they never seemed to be that way anymore. She didn't feel clean and beautiful, she felt dirty....Old, ugly, tattered, ashamed.

The waterfall made her smile. So peaceful, and even though she didn't feel like herself, it made her remember all of what she was. All of what she could be, but wasn't....

Who was that?...

Near by, she felt someone. The force signature, it was of someone she knew, but it felt different.

She closed her eyes and listened. Dead silence, she welcomed it.

Someone was near though, disturbing her quiet reflection.

Amalia walked toward the small clearing, her brown eyes darting from left to right slowly as she looked before her.

It was then that she saw him.

The clear picture of the beautiful waterfall evaporated within her mind, and she was once again left feeling ugly.

Slowly the young man opened his eyes, his eyes falling onto her.

She could see the troubled expression that was hidden within the lines of his face.

He did not believe in what he was feeling.

The Jedi Master's eyes had been hidden of any emotion. A few seconds more....

What he did not believe, he did now.

His eyes grew wide but for a small moment, he swallowed.

...It was then that she could see the disappointment in his face.

His Master and friend had done all that she had taught him to undo.

So he was here now, but where had he been all this time?

Not near.

Her anger set in....

The owner of the Force signature stood before him now, and Kahn at first wasn't entirely sure if he was seeing things correctly.

It was Amalia, his Master. The woman who had turned him from the Dark Side, who had taken a frightened child and turned him into a confident Jedi. She had served as a friend, mentor, and in his own subconcious, Kahn had recognized her as a maternal figure to replace the loss of his own mother.

But...this wasn't the same Amalia. The Dark Side was thriving in her, and he would have to be a fool not to feel it clouding the Force.

His first thought was that this was an imposter, that somehow a Sith was using an illusion to fool him. But as he stared at his Master, using the Force to reach out as well, he realized that it was indeed Amalia Azalin.

He swallowed, eyes opening wider as the reality of what must have happened hit him. He got to his feet, backing up a step, almost frightened. He had never had reason to fear Amalia before; he had never felt the need to defend himself against her. But now, his Jedi instincts were telling him to be alert for signs of battle. Through the Force, he felt anger mounting in Amalia, anger directed at him.

Anger coupled with the Dark Side was a deadly combination, especially for one so skilled in battle as Amalia. Kahn found his hand straying to his lightsaber, reassuring him when he felt the metallic hilt.

Even while the Jedi part of him was alert and tense, in the back of his mind Kahn was panicking.

No. It's not happening; this is all a dream. It's a trick, it's not real. No. NO!

I trusted her. She's my Master; she knows about the Dark Side, she knows what it does to people. She saved me from it; she would never turn to it herself. Never.

She's deserted me, she's turned her back on me. I'm alone now, utterly alone. First Hanna, now Amalia....how could she do this?!?

The Jedi Master was trying to find some way to explain the changes he felt in Amalia, but he also knew that the impossible had indeed happened; Amalia Azalin was no longer of the light.

"Master? How?"

Both words were spoken in a strangled tone, as though they were renched from Kahn's lips. He couldn't find the words to ask all that he needed to know. Couldn't describe the emotions that were a blur inside of him. Instead, he just stared at Amalia, his blue eyes questioning, hurt, confused. What was going on?

"Put away your weapon...."

Weapon? A tool to the Jedi, a means of defense, yet she had called it a weapon.

Her words had come out in a small snarl, his every thought seemed to flow smoothly to her.

Yet it was the question he had asked that stood out to her most.

"I do not know..."

She neglected to mention her feelings of guilt and failure.

"It has been a long time since I have seen you last..."

Her eyes narrowed slightly, she crossed her arms and said nothing more.

Like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Kahn moved his hand away from the saber that remained clipped on his belt. He wasn't entirely sure why he had gripped it in the first place; it had been an unconcious action, borne from habit.

Now that some of the shock had worn off, Kahn could tell that Amalia was not as deeply submerged in the Dark Side as he had first thought; no, she wasn't using it like a Sith would. It was there, but controlled. It was more the absence of the Light Side than the presence of the Dark that had startled him at first; Amalia had always appeared as a figure shining with Light in his inner eye, and now that image was clouded over.

Amalia's response to his question made him realize that whatever had happened had occured recently; it also caused a brief amount of anger to flare up in him. How could she not know how it had happened? She was the one who taught him how to avoid the Dark Side, how to find comfort in the Light.

That anger disappeared almost as soon as it occured, and was replaced once again by sorrow, and some understanding. Kahn knew how the Dark Side could indeed ensnare victims without their knowing exactly how. If anyone had experienced the pull of that kind of raw power, it was him.

He was trying to get a reading on Amalia's emotions, but found it difficult. The Dark Side clouded things, and all he could pick up on were controlled anger and hints of guilt inside his Master. It frightened him, to find those emotions in one whom he had looked up to for so long.

The next comment surprised Kahn, and he blinked a few times, not used to the tone of accusation that came with the words.

"I...I needed to be alone. I couldn't handle other people after Hanna...."

He paused, trailing off for a few moments before focusing once more.

"I'm sorry, Amalia. I didn't mean to...neglect you."

Kahn wasn't really sure what he was apologizing for; if Amalia had wanted to see him, she could have. He hadn't deliberately tried to hurt her; it had just happened. After Hanna's death, he had felt overwhelmed, unable to connect with reality for some time.

Now another thought entered his mind, a rather unpleasant one. Perhaps he was the cause of Amalia's turn...maybe if he hadn't drawn in on himself, maybe if he had paid more attention. Confused and unsure, Kahn waited for some kind of reaction from Amalia.

Denial....

Amalia would be in denial for quite some time before she figured out the truth.

Truth be known, she could have gone to Kahn if she had wanted to. He would have listened. He would not have judged her.

Perhaps she herself would not have judged him as she was doing now.

"Could not handle or did not want to?!"

She looked at him disdainfully.

"...I was there, just as I was for everyone else. Yet...."

She had wanted to say how they all had walked away from her, thinking that they didn't need her, to not have time for her, for her to not be the one to console another. That was how she felt, and she felt like no one had bothered to notice, feeling as if she'd let them all down. She kept that to herself. He didn't need to know about everyone else, just himself.

"....you stopped looking to me, and you turned away. Could not??? Ha! You did not want to!"

Her eyes burned with fury as she barried her hurt deep within her heart.

The Jedi Master struggled to keep himself calm as Amalia's words bit into him. Hanna's death had caused anger and fear to rise up more quickly inside of him; thus far he had dealt with the emotions by letting them flow away, as Jedi were taught. But he knew that if he gave in to those emotions, if he wasn't careful, he could fall back into the pit of Darkness. That, too, was part of the reason he had withdrawn from society after his wife's passing; he had wanted to make sure that he could get his feelings under enough control that he wouldn't hurt others around him.

Kahn was not used to hearing words meant to harm coming from his Master's mouth; she had always been careful and considerate of the feelings of others, always watching what she said. That caution, that compassion, was not present now.

Her questions hurt him, because he wasn't sure how to answer them. The pain after Hanna (and their unborn twins) died had just seemed to engulf Kahn, and he had felt as though he had to get away. In the same token, he had not wanted to handle people, either; hadn't wanted to go through the struggle of trying to hold his life together while it felt like he was being torn apart inside.


"I never stopped wanting you to be my friend or my Master, Amalia. You know that you're the one I trust more than anyone else; you have indeed always been there for me, and that means more to me than you will ever know."

Kahn struggled to find the right words to describe how he had felt, to explain why he had withdrawn. Finally, he spoke in a quiet voice, his eyes meeting Amalia's.

"But I thought that you of all people would know what it feels like to lose someone you love, Amalia. Sometimes there are issues you can't talk about while the pain is still fresh."

The Jedi Master's words appeared to have no affect on the woman that stood before him.

"I think you're covering up the truth..."

More like Amalia was covering up the truth, but the darnkness that surrounded her very being clouded her mind and set her apart from reality.

"...maybe I was not a good enough Master or friend, the darkside is nothing so unfamiliar to you. Not once did you turn on me, but many a time. Yet you are surprised to see me now, as I am."

She snarled, gritting her teeth. Her words almost coming out in a hiss as she stepped toward Kahn in a threating manner.

"What do you know of loss??? None of your loss compares to the loss I have felt!"

Surprised at the verbal attack and the physical manner of Amalia, Kahn took another step backwards. His hand almost strayed back to his saber, but he forced it to remain at his side. This was not an enemy to be fought; it was a friend who was in need of help.

Still, the words Amalia spoke in such a manner caused him pain. In the back of his mind, he had always thought that he should have done better for Amalia, that he should have fought harder against the Dark Side the times that he lost control; he had always deeply regretted the actions that he made in anger and hate. To see that Amalia was trying to blame herself for his own actions caused him more pain. Now, it seemed as though her turning was indeed his own fault. Kahn had managed to conquer the Darkness within him, but ever since his mother's death when he was two years old he had created a habit of blaming himself when those close to him were in pain. Hanna's death had reinforced that guilt, and now Amalia was strengthening it more. Kahn had thought of suicide soon after Hanna's death, but he had held out on life, the thought of his Master standing over his body and the pain that she would feel keeping him from turning his saber on himself. Now, he wasn't so sure if he had made the right decision. Maybe if he hadn't lived, Amalia wouldn't have turned.

All of these thoughts became blurred together in the Jedi Master's mind, and he was unable to keep his own anger (springing from his pain and fear) from his voice.

"What do I know of loss? I saw my mother die in front of me when I was a child; my best friend turned on me when I left the ways of the Sith; my soul mate was ripped away from me, and the children we could have had. I know what loss feels like, Amalia."

Willing himself to calm down, Kahn's next words were spoken in more controlled tones.

"It was my own fault that I wavered, Amalia. My own weakness. Not yours."

This was the first time Kahn had actually voiced the thought that had remained in the shadows of his mind since he became a Jedi; that he hadn't been strong enough to entirely resist the Dark Side once he joined the Light.

Amalia's fate was just beginning, the path for the fallen Jedi would soon change, her place belonged somewhere else.

....someone else was waiting for her....

"You make me laugh, look at how pathetic you are! You fear me now, I see it! I did not teach you to be this way, you're no better than when you first set your feet onto the academy grounds!"

All that she had said would come back to haunt her later on. Or would it? Fate would decide what was meant for her.

"I have failed you....don't be fooled by your own pathetic lies. You will discover the truth within your own time. I am no good as a Jedi, my real destiny awaits me..."