Or:
How God Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Religion
In the beginning, God created Heaven. It was a really jazzy place, but He felt there was something missing. So, God slapped together the graffiti, bird droppings and some that looked like a magpie after it had a brief sexual excusion with the blade of an axe and created an ugly rock thing. While it was very ugly and boring, it definitely made His place look that much better.
But then God looked at the planet and cursed, and ventured forth into heaven to find out where the hell the light bulbs were.
On the second day, God went on a run. All this creation was hard work and he needed to stay in shape. After a short distance, He was forced into a coughing and wheezing state. This was how the sky was created.
On the third day, God sneezed. Thus was the water created. God gasped and took His handkerchief to it, but this only made it worse. Thus was land created.
On the fourth day, the light buld blew. Faced with the idea of having to go to market, God instead created the moon and the stars. A giant ball of flame was good enough for now.
On the fifth day, God was restless. So He took up pottery again, and only managed to create a few odd shapes that didn't look like the vase He envisioned at all. Sighing, He placed them on that silly thing he created, and thus were born the birds and the fish.
On the sixth day, God was feeling bored and lonely. In a great surge of creativity, He decided to create little versions of Himself so He could have someone to talk to. The first attempts were just as bad as his pottery, so He placed them on that strange globe thing. Come to think of it, it seemed different now. So were animals created.
Finally, God created two that looked mostly like Him. He put them on His ugly creation until He could find a place to put them. This is how humans were created.
On the seventh day, God took a nap.
On the eigth day, God set out to finally finish that damn fruit that didn't seem to want to work - only to find those stupid statues of His had come alive and eaten one, thus ruining the entire project*. Out of anger and frustration, God flicked those stupid human things away and set the garden aside to fix later.
"Whoa, man," Satan said, "that's harsh."
God pointed at Satan, "Get out. You haven't paid rent in months."
"Oh, man, this sucks."
God threw Satan in a hole until he learned to behave.
On the ninth day, God took another nap. The humans were left to think of something to do, and this is how sex was created.
*This is why apples are shaped so strange, pineapples are pointy and tomatoes are just so damn difficult. Oddly enough, the banana is exactly how God wanted it, and goes to show that even celestial beings have a strange sense of humour.
