(Cold Fire takes place directly after the events of the ongoing In The Land of the Blind. This is the final prelude to Gash's return.)



I stretch my hand out, reaching for the innumerable promises of the age, the truths I was sold for my discretion. But I feel the space become eternal, time and motion shifting to trap me forever, and I feel them all slip away; and suddenly it is too far to go on, my youthful ideals too far into the impenitrable blackness to ever be found; and, as I turn, I find that I have gone too far in reaching. I can never go back.

I can never go back.

I remember what Nathaniel said to me, on Coruscant. "Only in ourselves is the truth found." Then why the Force? Then why the Jedi Order? I wonder, I question. I am on Yavin 4, surrounded by the dark spirits of ages past, the unspeaking shadows of the past I've left behind and the murderous whims to which I've catered. Souls which caved in, which became a gestation sack for the Devil and his minions. The Sith Lords of Yavin.

Xex Tirion is one of them. Not dead, not here, but somewhere, united with those surrounding me by the common thread of a soul lost beyond redemption. I met with him on a space station north of Coruscant, after the incidents on Enyon and Coruscant. He seemed happy. That disturbed me. He is beyond the veil, beyond the unattainable Justice that we all seek, and yet he feels no compulsion to return; Blade of Klain at his side, draining him of Him, he seeks no reconciliation.

"How can you be so flippant?" I asked him. "You've done so much ill. Thrawn, Ruusan, Enyon... doesn't it eat at you?" What I didn't say was: If the truth is within ourselves, then Xex has found it, and it was in the Satanist's Bible all along.

"No." Xex said. "The further you go, Gash, the longer it takes to get back. I have accepted what I am, what I have become. No other path, and no day but today, my friend."

"You are not my friend." I replied. But I suppose Xex understands me better than anyone; better than Nathaniel, better than Diete, better than Xylon did. He is what I am; we have struggled with the same demon. The realization that the ideals we once held are just us worshipping the sun as the Creator God Almighty without realizing that it's a ball of gas. He's given up; he's let himself go. A whole life wasted, a thousand chances murdered in cold blood by the living blade at his side, and no remorse.

And yet, here I am. Killer of one million, innocent and evil, on Ruusan. Killer of my own son. Killer of an innocent king. Murderer of Coruscant. Once-ally of a Sith. I have come to realize that the Devil is not the Devil at all, but one of a million false Gods playing dressup. How can I be a Jedi when I have seen the face of evil, only to recognize it as the picture on the prayer card in my pocket? I have seen the wickedness of righteous men, the righteousness of wicked men, the hidden evils which lurk behind the priests and scribes and learned scholars.

I spent all my life searching for the ideals of the Jedi. But now, they are too far away. I have come to far. And I can never go back.

thefurtheryougothelongerittakestogetback

fuckyouandyourprinciples

I am drifting away from the Jedi, as I have been since the day we seperated. I certainly was greedy, wasn't I? Come, young Padawans, stupid Padawans, follow the legendary Sith-cum-Jedi to the greater glory of the galaxy! Watch our glorious conquest and become more powerful than you possibly imagined!

GREED GREED GREEDY MOTHERFUCKER. Stupid IDIOT Jedi, all of them! Especially Nathaniel! To think that he could draw me away from the Darkness that Diete had drawn me into, to think he could banish Thanatos from my soul, the outright arrogance. Just like me.

wearealldeadinside

FUCK YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR, JEDI. FUCK YOU AND YOUR PRINCIPLES, AND FUCK WHATEVER MADE YOU, AND FUCK YOUR LITTLE PARAGON OF JUSTICE, AND FUCK YOUR PEACE, AND FUCK YOUR CALM, AND FUCK YOUR IDIOT VIEWS OF THE WORLD. I HAVE SEEN WHAT IS IN MYSELF AND WHAT IS IN THE SOULS OF THE GREATEST AMONG US AND IT IS NOT HOPE OR LIGHT.

I remember the last time I was with the leader of those god damned Jedi. At the seperation, in fact.

Releasing his hold on the soundwaves around the Jedi Masters, Gash reached out in the Force, grabbing hold of and pounding together several air particles and clapping them together with tremendous force. The result was a gavel-like bang, which brought the meeting to order.

"On behalf of my fellow Jedi Masters, I would like to welcome all those gathered at this trial. As the Master of the plaintiff, I will open this trial. However, I would like to remind you all, and especially Chadwick Fearsons and Vonta Horn, that this is not a New Republic court of law. Myself and the council have gone to great lengths to secure clearance from the N.R. to dispense our own form of justice; do not abuse that right. Typical lawyer-trickery will simply not work in this room; remember who your judges are.

"If you lie, we will know. If you attempt to put a spin on the truth, we will see through it. If you do not divulge the entire truth, we will know and ask you to do so.

"That said. Vonta Horn, you stand accused of conspiracy to kill, and ordering an assault with the intent to kill. I would invite Chadwick Fearsons to first address the court on the nature of this charge."

He glanced at Leia.

"Provided my colleagues do not wish their own foreword."

Leia, ever the epitome of second nature 'political manners', sat quietly with no hint of slouch in her posture and an air of serenity. She did not meet Gash's inquiring look, but instead swept a cool gaze over Chadd and Vonta, then took in the sight of the scenario before her.

"We do not."

You and your damned calm, your damned composure, politician @#%$-whore. Fuck you and all the Jedi -- all the Jedi. None of you understand the duality of it all, that it was never black and white, but that the entire situation was grey all along. None of you understand what I've done, what I've failed to do, and the actions and failings of those around me. How can we pass judgement and be righteous when the ideals we cling to are obscure relics lost to the corrupting wave of time and our own hearts are as filthy as any?

youareblindtoourfailure

I shut my eyes tighter. I have been in here for two weeks. I may never leave. How can I?

fuckyouandyourprinciples

I sit, and memories, visions, dreams pass before my eyes. I do not try to control them; I really don't give a damn. They can do what they please, come what may.

First, a vision. My... my last conversation with Thrawn.

The power of the Valley of the Jedi, of a thousand dead Jedi soldiers, flowed through Gash with all of its might. He was reaching beyond Ruusan's stratosphere, beyond its exosphere, upwards into the Tachyon -- the Super Star Destroyer, packed with the Force-imbued Achrions, pulling it down into Ruusan. The commlink at his hip beeped, and he grabbed it.

"Jiren."

"I know," Came a smooth voice, a confident voice -- Thrawn, intelligent and composed even in defeat. "I most certainly know. It would appear that you've won, Gash."

"Yes, I have." Gash paused. "Tirion has betrayed you."

"I know."

"And Xireon took control of the invasion strike with the Achrions. They are loyal only to him." Gash said it all knowingly, with a smile -- because it was exactly what he'd have done, in Xireon's position, as a Sith.

"I know." Thrawn chuckled. "In the end, we were not so far away from one another, morally, were we, Jiren? Strange, how that happened. Enemies become almost friends, in the end working for the same means."

"You reached beyond your abilities as a mortal, Thrawn." Gash said, coldly. "You attempted the impossible, and you failed. You imbued the Force on living subjects; you played God, and the Devil struck back."

Thrawn snorted shortly. "Indeed I did, Jiren. You are quite astute." There was a momentary pause. "The Tachyon -- which, you may have guessed, I am not on -- has now entered the Ruusan atmosphere. You should know, Jiren, that the explosion's radius will be more than enough to cause severe damage to your own forces -- those of the Jedi, and the Republic."

Gash stopped his concentration, looking at the commlink. "You've calculated it?"

"Yes." Another paused, and then, a tentative, "You seem to be making much the same mistake, Jiren. The power of the Valley is something no man can ever be entrusted with."

"Gloating, Thrawn?"

"Not hardly." Came the reply. "I have lost, haven't I? It pains me to see you repeat my failure, though. It seems foolish."

"This is the only way."

"I know."

"Then? What am I to do?" Gash asked. "I have no choice."

"No, it would certainly seem that you have no choice but to destroy yourself and those around you."

I ran, after that. I still sit here, recalling the events after that. The Tachyon did strike Ruusan, burrying the Valley beneath rubble and dust, and killing many of Gash's soldeirs. I cannot live with what I've done.

Another vision. This time... of nothing.

I am in a world of endless spires and darkness, seeking refuge. Peppered on the streets are chalk outlines of the dead. Hundreds of them, thousands of them. They are everywhere. Across a green field is a house, where I know there is a hostel. I go there, and open the door, to find the operator, an old woman. She agrees to give me a room.

I go inside. On the ground are three chalk outlines. She says they are her children. Suddenly, I look at her face, and her eyes are sunken; they become deeper, as dark lines form around them. Her cheeks sink, and her face becomes a mask of death, a requiem. She dies.

A murderer is on the loose, a rapist, a bastard. I take my room, and I look out the large window out the front of the building. It is night. And I see the criminal sneaking across the green field, where the grass becomes dark and dead. He opens the door of a house to the right of this one. I leave my room, and leave the house, running to the other. I open the door, but hesitate. I trespassed in one home, and the woman died: I am paralyzed.

But I hear the screams, and I run into the home, to find the killer raping one of the residents. I grab him, and tear off the mask he wears; he wears another mask, and I remove that too. Retread cliche; the killer is me. But no; that is a mask, too. I tear off the final mask, and he is just a killer. I murder him.

I expect the outlines to become people once more, but they do not. I am not expelled of my guilt for the old woman's death. But the woman next to me is alive.

"No, it would certainly seem that you have no choice but to destroy yourself and those around you."

Did Thrawn know I would escape? I am certainly destroying myself, now. And others. Like the woman. But can I overcome my guilt?

thefurtheryougothelongerittakestogetback

Nothing is immediate. Nothing is simple.

But Thrawn was right, in what he tried to tell me. There is always a choice. The APPARITIONS have shown me this. It will never be black and white; it will always be grey for me. I will never find the clear path of a Jedi.

I am a Rogue Jedi.

I get up and leave the room behind.

[b]