Why I Hate Star Wars
Posts: 2462
  • Posted On: Jan 3 2008 6:22pm
:grin

My girlfriend doesn’t understand what I see in Star Wars. We’ve had several soul-crushing arguments about what exactly makes this series so important to me, and every time I have found it more and more difficult to argue my case. As the maddening years have wound on, I think I finally understand the reason for this crippling handicap.

There is a diabolical twist to Star Wars fandom, you see, that defies comprehension, and yet is the life-blood of all Star Wars fans. It is this:

Star Wars fans hate Star Wars.

If you run into somebody who tells you they thought the franchise was quite enjoyable, and they very-much liked the originals as well as the prequels, and even own everything on DVD, and a few of the books, these imposters are not Star Wars Fans.

Star Wars fans hate Star Wars.

The primary fulcrum for the Star Wars fan’s hate (including my own) is George Lucas, creator of Star Wars. Unlike Trekkies/Trekkers who adore Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry, Star Wars fans hate the father of their obsession. We hate the fact that George Lucas got it wrong from the beginning, creating incest between Luke and Leia. We hate the fact that he wrenched Return of the Jedi off of Kashyyyk and set it on Endor with those tiny, furry Hobbit bitches he called “Ewoks”, which is a syllabic anagram of Wookiee if you’re obsessed enough. We despise the entire existence of literally half of the Star Wars movies, blaming George Lucas’ greed and flawed ‘vision’ for everything.

We believe George Lucas’ ideal death time was 2:07am, 14 November, 1990.

Star Wars fans also hate the original Star Wars trilogy. We think Mark Hamill’s acting was whiny, the pacing was flawed, and Empire was better than Jedi, making the end of the series a let-down. We hate the way Boba Fett died, and we hate the cantankerous, arthritic duel between Vader and Obi-wan. We don’t understand why the storm-troopers can’t shoot worth a damn, and we don’t get why “an entire legion of [the Emperor’s] best troops”(ROTJ, Palpatine) can be overpowered by a tribal society of midget teddy-bears armed largely with rocks and twigs. Star Wars fans hate omnipotent war-machines that get their legs tangled in strings, or slip on logs. They hate Darth Vader’s face and that stupid harmonica thing he was playing. Star Wars fans hate the original Star Wars trilogy.

There is also, as you probably know, a series of Special Editions that have replaced the original Star Wars trilogy, and these are also hated by Star Wars fans with an even more scorching fervor. Star Wars fans hate the glaring CG changes made to scenes we already hated to begin with. We hate that Han Solo now killed Greedo in self-defense, and then stepped on Jabba the Hutt’s tail (which we liken to Carrot Top stepping on Fidel Castro’s tail). We hate the fact that the ghost of Alec Guinness (whose name is an anagram of Genuine Class, by the way) now stands next to Hayden Christensen (whose name I tried to re-arrange into a flattering anagram myself, but only came up with “Nn…Dense Chest Hair”). Star Wars fans are unsure if Fidel Castro has a tail or not, but we hate the Special Editions of the trilogy just the same.

There is of course also a prequel trilogy to Star Wars. It is newer, more epic, more expensive, and more visually stunning than the original trilogy. Star Wars fans know this, and so we hate it even more. We hate it with the burning passion of a setting pair of twin suns. Jar Jar Binks, Midichlorians, technology that is blatantly more sophisticated than the “later” original trilogy…we despise all of it. There’s nothing a Star Wars fan hates more than a Star Wars prequel. They demystified Boba Fett, contradicted countless lines in the original trilogy (Obi-Wan: “He was our only hope.” Yoda: “No…there is another.” Obi-Wan (not in script): “Oh, right, I f*cking held both of these kids as they were born in Episode 3. Sorry Yoda, I just plumb forgot!”)

Star Wars fans think Mark Ha…uh…Hayden Christensen’s acting was whiny. And the pacing was flawed.

Beyond the movies, there are also various television-related Star Wars endeavors which Star Wars fans despise. Starting with that abysmal “Holiday Special” in which Carrie Fisher appeared drunk and tried to celebrate Christmas through song in a Jesus-less galaxy, Star Wars fans have watched and hated everything. We think Droids was a waste of time, Ewok Adventures was an extension of everything we hated about Return of the Jedi, and we’ve seen both seasons of Clone Wars which we hate because we believe them to be immensely inconsistent with the prequels we also hate.

Star Wars fans think the Star Wars comic-books are a stockpile of contrivance written for marketing purposes by people who know nothing about Star Wars. Every gimmick imaginable to bring back super-weapons long destroyed and token bad-guys long-beaten is spewed forth from these comic books, and Star Wars fans want nothing to do with it. Star Wars fans have read the one in which Han Solo works in tandem with a giant rabbit and we are not impressed.

Then, naturally, there are the videogames. Star Wars fans hate LucasArts, and the opportunist drivel that comprises most of the gameplay-less apertures known as Star Wars games that they vomit up every fiscal quarter. Star Wars fans know that there is no such thing as a good Star Wars strategy game, we yelled at our PS1 when Masters of Teras-Kasi came out, and we kind-of liked the Jedi Knight series, but not at first and definitely not towards the end. Star Wars fans did not like Knights of the Old Republic, unless they were RPG fans. This does not count. Star Wars fans hate Star Wars videogames.

The final main elixir of Star Wars folklore is the ever-growing library of Star Wars books. These have managed to make a complex main character our of practically every background alien seen in the movies, and expanded the universe into a colossal, self-contradictory maze. Star Wars fans hate this. We hate how trite and tired the books were getting before the New Jedi Order series, and we hate the New Jedi Order series for being so radically different, and not nearly trite or tired enough. Star Wars fans hate it when previously-deceased characters are brought back to life, but we also hate Timothy Zahn for not bringing his characters back to life. Star Wars fans did not hate Grand Admiral Thrawn, but we do now, because he is always dead. The Star Wars movies also contradict and completely ignore droves of information within the Star Wars books. Star Wars fans now know that George Lucas has no idea who Jaster Mareel is, and it makes us very angry. Star Wars fans hate Star Wars books.

Now that I have covered all of this, you can finally begin to compute why I can never prove to Emily that Star Wars is a monumental event worth devoting one’s life to. The very nature of the argument means I have to defend Star Wars, and since I am a Star Wars fan, I don’t actually understand how to do that.

Maybe I’ll put it like this. To be a Star Wars fan, one must possess the ability to see a million different failures and downfalls, and then somehow assemble them into a greater picture of perfection. Every true Star Wars fan is a Luke Skywalker, looking at his twisted, evil father, and somehow seeing good.

My earlier statement needs slight revision. We hate everything about Star Wars.

But the idea of Star Wars…the idea we love.
http://www.jivemagazine.com/column.php?pid=3381&ptid=6
Posts: 280
  • Posted On: Jan 3 2008 6:44pm
Wow. I never thought of it like that before. He has a point though.

I always wondered why Star Trek seems to have a good background and technology (and Force-esque "magic" on the part of aliens) to play with, yet is absolutely no fun to RP. Star Wars is similar in terms of technology, etc but has a much simpler arrangement of galactic politics (Well, in the original films: "Good rebellion vs Evil Empire") but offers much more scope for RP!

It must be because people who like Star Trek don't hate it...

I guess with Star Wars, we're all trying, in our writing, to make it how it should have been.
Posts: 765
  • Posted On: Jan 3 2008 9:45pm
Ithron
I guess with Star Wars, we're all trying, in our writing, to make it how it should have been.
I disagree with that 100%, I was watching ANH the other day and I'm amazed at how good it STILL is. I think people RP because they enjoy writing and they enjoy the SW Universe for all that it is. There's so much to explore, if you want to be a Jedi you can be a Jedi, evil? Be a Sith. You want to command large fleets or run intergalactic corporations? You can do it in Star Wars.

It amazes me how much shit people talk about George Lucas, yet are self-proclaimed Star Wars fans. How does that even make sense? The man created the Galaxy you're saying you love, yet you despise him for it? Were there mistakes, especially in the prequels? I think everyone found things they disliked about then, such as Jar Jar or Hayden's acting, whatever the case may be. But personally, watching Yoda kick some ass was amazing.

I think people should stop focusing so much on what they hate, and focus on what they enjoy. If you hate George Lucas so much, why would you spend so much time thinking about something that he created?

3 of the top ten grossing movies OF ALL TIME are SW movies (2 of them prequels by the way, ep. 1 and 3), and all 6 are within the top 30 movies of all time. Think about what a monumental achievement that is, 30 years after ANH came out and people are still dressing up as Stormtroopers attending comic conventions, buying novels focusing on the most miniscule characters in the cantina scene, and writing on forums such as this fiction that never really happened in that universe, but we wish it did.
Posts: 280
  • Posted On: Jan 3 2008 10:10pm
writing on forums such as this fiction that never really happened in that universe, but we wish it did.
<- What you said.

I guess with Star Wars, we're all trying, in our writing, to make it how it should have been.
<- What I said. A statement that you disagree with 100%.

Surely those two statements are equivalent? I'm saying that "we" (or I at least) write things that we think should have been the case. You're saying we write what we wish was the case.

Isn't that the same thing?

In fairness, I don't "hate" the Star Wars films. I can't imagine that person who wrote the article does either: I think that's just rhetoric. His point (as I read it) is that there are so many irritating niggles with the story! Niggles that don't stop the films being good to watch (or indeed, making money!) but niggles which grate with fans.

Those fans (i.e. us) then try to extend Lucas' creation into something better. Into something WITHOUT those niggles:

I cite:

* Wes having his SS use hovertanks and not the standard issue AT-ATs.

* Writers like Simon and Telan introducing Imperial characters who genuinely believe (and do a damn good job of convincing other people) that the Empire isn't just evil. Indeed, it can be efficient, honourable and its citizens can be safe and happy.

* Sith who are more than just 2D "evil" characters (Dooku, Maul, etc). Obviously, Anakin/Vader is an exception since he's so key to the films' story.

* Battles where just "being the good guy" is not enough. The Empire can (and do) win battles that (in the films) they would lose. I mean, can you imagine me writing as a group of Ewoks defeating a Legion of Telan's Guard? The common sense rule would be cited and I would be told "No." in no uncertain terms!

Anyway :-) That's just my justification.
Posts: 5711
  • Posted On: Jan 3 2008 10:16pm
Why I Hate Star Wars


Because you won't fucking reply to Zell Re; Rendili

It drives him to anger, which in turn drives me...

Get your ass in gear.
Posts: 765
  • Posted On: Jan 3 2008 10:41pm
Respectfully, I would disagree with some of what you said Ithron. I don't think that our two statements are the same. Me saying that we wish our stories could be including in the epic Star Wars universe is not me saying so because I believe I could make it better. Though many here I'm sure think they could make the series better, that's an entirely different discussion though.

But come on, comparing Wes' hover tanks to AT-ATs? Are you serious? Nothing against Wes, I consider him a good friend and I think he's done a lot for TRF. But that scene on Hoth with the AT-ATs was friggin' amazing. We have tanks in our world, we don't have four-legged behemoths that look like mechanical beasts though, unfortunately.

As for the Imperial aspect, you are somewhat correct in that the Imperials presented weren't depicted as good guys with good ideals. But they weren't supposed to be, why? Because they WERE the bad guys. You're not supposed to think Grand Moff Tarkin's a good guy when he blows up Alderaan right in front of Princess Leia.

As for the bad guys, you bring up a few examples namely Maul and Dooku. Maul, for one was supposed to be mysterious. That was the whole point of Darth Maul. Everything about him is mysterious which just makes him that much cooler when he shows up on the screen with this double-bladed lightsaber that we've never seen before. As for Dooku, he really only played a minor part in my mind. So there wasn't much time spent developing him anyway, but how about evil incarnate himself, Darth Sidiuous AKA Senator Palpatine AKA Chancellor Palpatine AKA Emperor Palpatine? That character definitely had depth, the way he single handedly orchestrated the fall of the Jedi from behind the scenes is as compelling as any story going on at TRF.

As for the Ewok example, of course it's not realistic and I won't even reference that using a mystical energy force to move things with your mind isn't either, because it's not the point. Star Wars is a series of movies, and in order to tell the story you have to suspend disbelief to a certain amount. But the result of the movies is realistic, that a force no matter how outnumbered can succeed if they're fighting for what they believe in.
Posts: 280
  • Posted On: Jan 3 2008 11:03pm
Of course, you're right in a lot of what you say there.

AT-ATs are much cooler than real world tanks in terms of making an amazing scene, agreed.

All I'm saying is that with our writing we can explore avenues that the films never touched. Even if they had wanted to, they couldn't have developed all the characters properly in the films. Nor could they have made them exciting and realistic*. Here on TRF, we can.

I said earlier that in doing that, we extend Lucas' creation into something "better". I'm not sure that's entirely true now. I accept that was possibly a bad choice of words on my part. I respectfully stand down and concede that you're probably right.

But the result of the movies is realistic, that a force no matter how outnumbered can succeed if they're fighting for what they believe in.


I like the sentiment there. I'm not sure it's always militarily true (whether in our world, the SW world or any other): Small forces, firm in their beliefs and fighting for a cause mostly get wiped out... The Battle of the Alamo? Thermopylae? In fact, I certainly hope it's not true - the Al Qaeda are an outnumbered force who are fighting for what they believe in. I certainly don't want them to suceed ;)

I'll leave that for another thread though!




* By the word "realistic", I mean "realistic within the bounds of the fictional world". For instance, the Force is unrealistic in our world. Within the confines of SW, it's fine. The Ewoks defeating Telan and his chaps, I see as unrealistic even by the rules of SW. Every story (be it a movie, a fiction book or any other) has to be more-or-less consistent (within the bounds of making an entertaining film) by its own rules or else it's impossible to follow. I guess by "realistic" I mean: Would someone call you on it if you wrote it on TRF :P
Posts: 765
  • Posted On: Jan 3 2008 11:25pm
Ithron, I think you may be the only person on TRF where the following is true. It is a pleasure disagreeing with you. And I knew that would be the case before I even posted, but it's still appreciated.

As for the thing about small forces winning, of course it's not <i>always</i> true. But you can see numerous examples throughout history where it is true, some of which you pointed out yourself.

And when I mentioned the thing about the Ewoks and the force, I specifically meant to NOT use the force as the basis for my opinion. So we agree there. I also agree with you about exploring other avenues, that's the whole point in RPing in my opinion, is that there are so many avenues to explore.

Another good point you bring up is that some of the greatest moments in TRF history, some of the greatest RPs might not make a great movie as the Star Wars series has done. But they definitely make for great stories and fit well into TRF.
  • Posted On: Jan 4 2008 12:17am
The only thing I hate about Star Wars? Jedi and Sith aren't assigned power levels. I mean, how are you supposed to tell which Master is more powerful then the other Master? This knight over that knight? At what power level does a knight reach master rank? 1,000,000? Also, how much force power do you need to blow up a planet? :D
Posts: 1621
  • Posted On: Jan 4 2008 12:17am
I disagree as well. I am pleasing to disagree with - ask Dolash!

But yes, the form varies from the functionality when it comes to Star Wars. In Star Wars we see the best and worst of ourselves and in our world(s). We return here, day in and day out, because for a few moments we are allowed to shuffle of the coil of consciousness that binds us to taxes and bills and crime and horror. Inside we are men and women who fight for what we believe in and on the whole, worry about things far different than we would be able to otherwise. For some of us, the characters we play are very close - -all too, sometimes - to the real us; others they are farthest thing we can think of from the reality of which we attempt to escape.

Star Wars itself as a series of movies I will not get into because we all share the same opinions - things like Jar Jar should have been hanged, Acclamator Cruisers should have dropped the rear-hull protrusions to make them more Destroyer-like, etc etc.

Roleplaying here is a mixture of fantasy and reality tied down by the bounds of our imaginations. far too often*glares at certain members* we become embroiled over disputes over what we can do and can't do. It is those arguments which can go from amilable to ten-page deep strings of diatribes insults and lamentations. These arguments drive us away from the goal of roleplaying which is to have fun; somewhere to come after work and forget about the grime; go from a farm worker to a Sith Knight for only a few fleeting moments.


Perhaps what is needed is a Judge of sorts. Someone who is not rping, and can make decisions. Not a staff member, not any sort of vote because votes can be influenced. Someone who can resolve disputes matter of fac tly and finally and give us something to work with. In war, both sides believe their views and tactics and such to be the best, and in battle only time and tactics revel the outcome. Here we can fight each other post after post with "he did this but it was averted by me doing that...". Perhaps instead we need someone to say when the dispute arises: No, the Empire attacks with overwhelming numbers but is beaten back. What then? Ah, that's where the writer shines. The battle is played out by both sides but some one miraculously wins and the litany of loss and success becomes interrupted! The roleplay is now the focus of others, as one side tries to recount its mistakes and the other basks in a hard fought glory. Etc etc. Do you get my point?


Now that I've ranted, I think the above post was amazing - we do hate what Star Wars has become. We are here to insert our own little slice into what we wish it was....