It has been a great deal of time since I have written anything of note. This has caused something of a stir, and understandably so; in a galaxy overstuffed with pompous windbags so fond of speaking for the sake of hearing their own fucking voices, a voice of reason should be missed.

The capture of Coruscant by the Empire, and the subsequent unleashing of the Wrath Virus, both placed a strain on my ability to publish. After they battered down the gates and Daemon Hyfe decided to declare himself Emperor, Captain, and King, I found myself without a platform to operate on and without a free media to operate with.

Nonetheless, I am “back”, and under a new publishing outlet, having relocated off of Coruscant. Obligation Publishing has so kindly provided me with the funds I need to cause the galactic havoc I once did.

I thought I'd start by a good run-down of the various ways the galaxy is headed to hell in a hand-basket. It's a convenient guide which can also be used in the destruction of the galaxy in future.


1. Create an oppressive, fascist regime, and let them grow to an obscene size unchallenged because you simply do not have enough fucking guts to stop them.
What can I say about the Empire that hasn't already been said? They disdain free-market economics, impliment liberal taxation without liberal spending, restrict the media, and commit mass murder on unimaginable scales.

The Empire also seems to have the nasty habit of creating genetically-modified super soldiers and bending them to their will, then throwing their hands in the air and exclaiming “What the fuck?!” when one of them goes rogue and decides to drop a virus in the middle of Imperial Square.

“Wow, how did that happen?” Asks Daemon Hyfe. “I see no correlation at all between the destruction of his former employer, the Freedom Guard Corporation, and this heinous act of vengeance. What do you mean our placing him in a position of power makes us directly responsible?”

2. Add in an opposition so utterly inept that their existence actually generates support for the Empire.
And you thought the Republic was bad.

In addition to inheireting the theocratic nature of the Republic, the so-called “Galactic Coalition” is also possessed of the ability... no, sorry, I'm drawing a blank. Every single motion and movement of the Coalition and its various member factions has been so incapable and stupid that they're more of a hindrance to their cause than a help.

Just because you scream at the Empire that you're going to kill them all doesn't instantly make you the legitimate successor to the Republic. Saying idiotic shit like “We're coming for you and we'll never stop” actually creates opposition, especially when the jolly team of spin-doctors at Imperial Command gets a hold of it.

And then they throw all their ships at the Empire and get sent packing like Recon Klain at a Jedi reunion.

How the hell do people like this get elected? Oh, that's right. They don't. Tell me again why the Coalition is so much better than the Empire?

3. Throw a few naive and/or self-interested neutral parties into the mix.
I've been reading the <a href=“http://pub33.ezboard.com/fswalliancefrm16.showMessage?topicID=325.topic”>Bothan press release</a>, and I just can't wrap my head around it. I guess it requires an IQ of less than six to fully comprehend – maybe someone from Coalition High Command can explain it to me?

The first part of it sounds about right – they're offering room and board to refugees. A token movement that doesn't really cost them anything, but a token movement no one else has made nonetheless. Then they mention that the conflict was inevitable because the Coalition and Empire exist to make war on one another. Once again, that's about right; the Empire would seem to like nothing more than to send the entirety of the Coalition the way of Admiral Snowkan trying to jump out of a star system, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

But then they lurch into some horse shit about hosting a leadership summit. Hello? Didn't you just say that we have two irreconcilable foes on our hands, here? How will you having them sit down at a table and call each other names for three days solve this problem, unless you're planning to gas the room while Daemon Hyfe and Jan Dondana are in it?

I'm sorry, but how many “neutral factions” have tried to gain prestige by attempting to host these “summits”? And how many actual peace resolutions have come as a result of them? That’s what I thought. Wait, wait, wait, I can save you a whole bunch of time! I've got the terms each faction will present right here!

Empire's Terms: Complete destruction of the Coalition.
Coalition's Terms: Complete destruction of the Empire.

See? Wasn't that easier?

This is either an attempt to look like the good guy by throwing out a token gesture that will never come to pass, or an honest attempt to make the Empire and Coalition stop fighting one another. I’m not sure which one is worse; dishonesty or naivety.

4. Toss out a couple of insipid and blatantly biased news agencies.
Imperial News Service. Bakura News Network. Sovereign News Network. John Snid. All of the above and more are just synonyms for one word; “bullshit”.

Who are these people trying to kid? The Imperial News Service is so ‘neutral’ that Daemon Hyfe might as well be their news editor, and Theren Gevel might as well be typing their stories out himself. Oh, no – too late.

What happened to the days of free media? Everything is now owned and operated by one government or another. Even the supposedly morally triumphant Coalition has a variety of news agencies wrapped around their little finger, catering to their every whim with softball questions and self-glorifying coverage.

Even supposedly ‘unbiased’ sources do nothing but spew random bullshit that’s quickly turned against them by the unstoppable propaganda machines of the Empire and Coalition. Need I even mention John Snid? I didn’t think so. There is simply nowhere to turn for the truth.

5. Forget to give the Coalition their medication.
Could the geniuses at Coalition High Command have screwed themselves any more by actually getting on the holonet and announcing to the Empire that they were going to attack? Please, someone tell me that I imagined that part. Does Jan Dondana fucking want to fail?

What better way to make Imperial worlds a tactical nightmare to capture than to tell them that you’re coming? The Coalition sure as hell better fire whatever numbskull thought that giving the Empire advanced notice and plenty of time to form citizen militias was a good idea. It makes their task harder, and causes more people to die in the process. Appalling. What a blatant waste of sentient life.

How about next time, you trade the Empire some weapons before attacking them? Or better yet, announce an assault on Coruscant, then ram your vessels into the nearest asteroid!

Shit, let’s just skip the pretenses and have Joren Logan fight a battle for the Empire. It’ll be fun, trust me!

6. Not satisfied with two gargantuan, oppressive regimes? Let’s just make one big one, then.
Everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten that, promptly after declaring the “Holy Demosthesian Empire” – another wonderful theocracy that didn’t even bother trying to be moral – something akin to the devil, the Empire attacked her, captured all of her worlds, and then hired the woman many considered secondly only to Seti Ashar in power within it as their new Admiral.

Following which, they swiftly enlisted half of the Demosthesian navy, particularly those following Drayson herself. Well done! Now, be sure to practice your confused faces for when, in five or six years, one of them decides to get revenge by killing a few billion Imperial citizens, because you’ll need them.


It’s about time someone shook things up.

-VQ
Obligation Publishing

OOC: Excellent, only thing though I hate that your only example of a theocratic empire was HDE...

"Hm, He brings up some good points. We really are stupid. We should really seek out this man."

-Unidentified Coalition High Command member

From the Office of the Vice-President of the Outer-Rim Sovereignty

It is with the most joy that I read the latest editorial by Mr. Quell. It is nice to know that he has returned to writing. During his long disappearance he's deprived the citizens of the galaxy of his sense of humor and wit as well as his ability to write editorial perspectives on events happening throughout the Galaxy.

It was however not with joy that I read the quote from the Galactic Coalition High Command Member.

"Hm, He brings up some good points. We really are stupid. We should really seek out this man."

This member of Coalition High Command is obviously a high-ranking military officer. He should have the intelligence to realize that his comments do not help his government or his own people. It is my sincere hope that this unknown official is found and stripped of his rank. He obviously hasn't shown enough competence to keep his mouth shut let alone lead military forces in a war. Therefore I must say that yes. You are right. You really are stupid.