A flurry of clashing, garring graphics fill the screen, accompanied by the resounding tones of the Imperial march. Suitably patriotic images of stormtroopers marching, saluting, and once or twice being pelted by angry ewoks accompany the opening score. The man at the news desk wears a proper suit and tie, with a tastefully oversized New Order pin in his lapel
"Good evening, galaxy, I'm Rob Shetland - anchor for the Galactic Report! After years of pro-rebel propaganda stinking up the 'free and independant' galactic media, I decided it's time someone started speaking the truth, as can be seen every night on INS, to a poor, beleagured galactic public. Fear not, galaxy, a champion for truth, justice, and the Imperial way is finally going mainstream to tell you your views!
Bug Bashing
"Our top story tonight, are giant insects part of the rebellion? Recent action over the planet of Mendrosia says yes.
"Giant bugs are believed to be responsible for a series of deadly attacks on Imperial forces in the area, as well as the native population of... uh... oh, I don't know, probably some aliens.
"Anyways, the Imperial army has immediately responded to this threat to their ability to take over the planet by sending a large army and navy force to Mendrosia, finally making it safe again for the Empire to take it over.
"This is just another in a series of incidents where bugs have resisted the glory of the Empire, including the now-infamous Roche truce where the Verpine turned down our diplomatic bombardment, as well as the invasion of Bothan space - which, though not populated by insects, was still crushed just as easily and with about just as much forethought.
"Are insects more inclined to joining the rebellion? Just why isn't the Imperial ideology appealing to a bunch of drones used to getting their opinions from a collective mind? I can't imagine, but I'm sure INS will be able to tell us soon enough."
League of Irritation
"The League of Nations met again today. The problem? Apparently the Coalition took out a member world, Glee Anselm, with a biological attack. This is the sort of excellent newswork you can only get from INS, who was able to report on this incident before even the planet's envoys could comment on the situation.
"Unfortunately, the League of 'Nations' is now insisting the Empire defend it from this Coalition aggression, made all the harder because they've lowered their guard with the promise of Imperial protection in the past. So what, now we're fighting for you and letting you live independantly? That's like living in your parent's basement and using their credits.
"It's time to grow up, League, and look yourself in the mirror. You're right next door to the greatest nation in the galaxy, how long do you think you can keep up this whole *I'm my own person* act? The Empire's already doing your fighting for you, what about when we do your spending? Your decision making? Your laundry? What happens when you want to bring a girl home, but your mom says she doesn't allow pre-marital sex in this house, and I tell her I'm a grown man and can do what I want, and she say *Oh, tough talk from a grown man who still lives with his parents and wets the bed!* And then I said *I haven't done that in months!* but it was too late because the girl had already backed out of the room.
"Do you want to be that loser? No, so just be a man about it and accept you're Imperial. It'll be a whole lot easier on us when we decide to occupy you to protect our borders from the Coalition.
Blooper of the week
"It's a wild world out there, Galaxy, and sometimes there are some galactic-size goofs. For these moments, there's my most prestigious award: the blooper of the week.
"Without a doubt, my highly coveted, just-invented blooper of the week award goes to 'Emperor' Enfield. Who're you to call yourself Emperor? Of the 'True Empire', nonetheless? Your autocratic military-run state is nothing like our autocratic, military-run state! For one thing, your Emperor had to seccede from our Emperor. You can't do that! What if everyone just went and declared themselves Emperor?
"In order to avoid this sort of confusion again, here's my INS-approved list of times it's okay to declare yourself Emperor:
"1) You're a democratically elected official who's just created the office of Emperor for yourself to occupy - because really, how else could you imply you had the right to absolute power if you didn't take it from someone else?
"2) You're that Emperor's strongest general, a fair and reasonable system of succession that has never steered us wrong.
"3) You're Simon Kaine. When will you learn that real absolute power of soveringty doesn't come from a complex systems of internal checks and balances to keep your various rivals and even the real Emperor in balance around you, but from the heart?
"That's all for this show. Until then, stay strong Galaxy. The Empire's coming to liberate you soon - then subsequently oppress you, of course, but it'll be a sweet ride while it lasts. Good night!"
"Good evening, galaxy, I'm Rob Shetland - anchor for the Galactic Report! After years of pro-rebel propaganda stinking up the 'free and independant' galactic media, I decided it's time someone started speaking the truth, as can be seen every night on INS, to a poor, beleagured galactic public. Fear not, galaxy, a champion for truth, justice, and the Imperial way is finally going mainstream to tell you your views!
Bug Bashing
"Our top story tonight, are giant insects part of the rebellion? Recent action over the planet of Mendrosia says yes.
"Giant bugs are believed to be responsible for a series of deadly attacks on Imperial forces in the area, as well as the native population of... uh... oh, I don't know, probably some aliens.
"Anyways, the Imperial army has immediately responded to this threat to their ability to take over the planet by sending a large army and navy force to Mendrosia, finally making it safe again for the Empire to take it over.
"This is just another in a series of incidents where bugs have resisted the glory of the Empire, including the now-infamous Roche truce where the Verpine turned down our diplomatic bombardment, as well as the invasion of Bothan space - which, though not populated by insects, was still crushed just as easily and with about just as much forethought.
"Are insects more inclined to joining the rebellion? Just why isn't the Imperial ideology appealing to a bunch of drones used to getting their opinions from a collective mind? I can't imagine, but I'm sure INS will be able to tell us soon enough."
League of Irritation
"The League of Nations met again today. The problem? Apparently the Coalition took out a member world, Glee Anselm, with a biological attack. This is the sort of excellent newswork you can only get from INS, who was able to report on this incident before even the planet's envoys could comment on the situation.
"Unfortunately, the League of 'Nations' is now insisting the Empire defend it from this Coalition aggression, made all the harder because they've lowered their guard with the promise of Imperial protection in the past. So what, now we're fighting for you and letting you live independantly? That's like living in your parent's basement and using their credits.
"It's time to grow up, League, and look yourself in the mirror. You're right next door to the greatest nation in the galaxy, how long do you think you can keep up this whole *I'm my own person* act? The Empire's already doing your fighting for you, what about when we do your spending? Your decision making? Your laundry? What happens when you want to bring a girl home, but your mom says she doesn't allow pre-marital sex in this house, and I tell her I'm a grown man and can do what I want, and she say *Oh, tough talk from a grown man who still lives with his parents and wets the bed!* And then I said *I haven't done that in months!* but it was too late because the girl had already backed out of the room.
"Do you want to be that loser? No, so just be a man about it and accept you're Imperial. It'll be a whole lot easier on us when we decide to occupy you to protect our borders from the Coalition.
Blooper of the week
"It's a wild world out there, Galaxy, and sometimes there are some galactic-size goofs. For these moments, there's my most prestigious award: the blooper of the week.
"Without a doubt, my highly coveted, just-invented blooper of the week award goes to 'Emperor' Enfield. Who're you to call yourself Emperor? Of the 'True Empire', nonetheless? Your autocratic military-run state is nothing like our autocratic, military-run state! For one thing, your Emperor had to seccede from our Emperor. You can't do that! What if everyone just went and declared themselves Emperor?
"In order to avoid this sort of confusion again, here's my INS-approved list of times it's okay to declare yourself Emperor:
"1) You're a democratically elected official who's just created the office of Emperor for yourself to occupy - because really, how else could you imply you had the right to absolute power if you didn't take it from someone else?
"2) You're that Emperor's strongest general, a fair and reasonable system of succession that has never steered us wrong.
"3) You're Simon Kaine. When will you learn that real absolute power of soveringty doesn't come from a complex systems of internal checks and balances to keep your various rivals and even the real Emperor in balance around you, but from the heart?
"That's all for this show. Until then, stay strong Galaxy. The Empire's coming to liberate you soon - then subsequently oppress you, of course, but it'll be a sweet ride while it lasts. Good night!"
