The Official TRF Joke Thread

Rules: No posting unless you post a joke! Keep it clean, and fun, don't be overly crude.


These are the only ten times in history that the "F" word has been acceptable

10. " What the @#$% was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!"
- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon, Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton, 1999

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad."
- Osama bin Laden, 2001



A grasshopper walks into a bar. When the bartender sees the grashopper he says excitedly "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!". To which the grasshopper responds "You have drink named Peter?".



Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time).

They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, "well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number"

Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."

After a few hours, Phil decided to tell another joke. Standing up, he shouted out "12!". The bar suddenly became deadly silent, and everyone glared at Phil. After a few moments someone whispered, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."



A duck walks into a bar and ask the bartender: "Do you have bread?"
"No, we don't," the bartender replies.
"Do you have bread?" the duck asks again.
"No, we don't."
"Do you have bread?"
"Didn't you hear me? We DON'T have bread."
"Do you have bread?"
"ARE YOU DEAF? WE DON'T HAVE ANY BREAD!"
"Do you have bread?"
"THAT DOES IT! If you ask me that stupid question again I'll nail your bill to the bar!"
"Do you have nails?"
"No."
"Do you have bread?"



Two men walk into a bar.
You'd think the second guy would have ducked.



Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

So, no one here knows any jokes?



In the world of chemicals, a constant battle rages between the chemical supervillains and the chemical secret agents. The most esteemed of these is one (OO)7, international dyeing agent of mystery. On one particularly hairy mission, he finds himself pitted against the evil genius of lore, Dr. Nitrogen Monoxide, who has set a devious trap in the form of an ordinary piece of white cloth. After falling through a cleverly placed mechanosensitive membrane protein, (OO)7 is shocked to find himself soaking in to a tightly bound mesh of cotton fibers. (He is, after all, a dyeing agent.) In desperation, he calls to his nemesis, "Do you expect me to talk, NO?" The villain only chuckles maniacally.
"No Mr. Dye, I expect you to bond."



The computer science department professor was found dead in the showers, the shampoo bottle said "Lather, rinse, repeat"



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. "

"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people."

"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep @#%$."



A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"

The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

How to Identify Where a Driver is From

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell
phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk
to someone in back seat: ITALY

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving
35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."'

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

So, no one here knows any jokes?

If Kas tells a joke, and no one laughs... should he keep going?

Ahnk broke the rules.



A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live".

The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"

The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".

"Just name it, I''ll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?

The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."

*breaks the ruls too*

I am STILL laughing at the joke about the drivers.

"Brick on accelerator"

*LHAO*

Sorry, I just find it funny.

*winces*

STOP MAKING ME LAUGH, DAMMIT...IT HURTS...

Three men go to the gates of heaven at the same time. Saint Peter comes out of the gates and say's

"alright, you guys are going to be with god, but I need you to answer a question. Your answer will decide what car you drive in heaven since its so @#%$ big up here."

Saint Peter goes to the first guy.

"alright, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

the man replies.

"about ten or eleven times".

Saint Peter replies.

"ok, you get a pinto. Welcome to heaven"

Saint Peter goes to the next guy and asks the same question. The man replies.

"about three, four women"

"ok ok, you get a regular Sedan. Welcome to heaven"

Saint Peter asks the last guy the same question.

"I never cheated on my wife, we were happily married for fifty years..."

Saint Peter replies.

"alright, you get a Ferrari. Welcome to heaven."

All the men are in heaven driving around for about a week now, the two guys with the pinto and sedan stop in the road because they see the guy with the Ferrari crying. They go over and ask him whats wrong, he replies.

"I just saw my wife, she's on a skateboard."

*snigger*

There was a Minnesotan, an Arizonian and a Floridian who were captured in a far-off country by armed rebels, and they were told they would be shot the next day. However, the Arizonian told the other two on their final night that these rebels are very superstitious, and very scared of natural disasters. The men formed a plan. When the next day came, the Arizonian went up to stand against the wall first. The men took aim, and all at once he shouted:

FLOOD!

The rebels scattered, and the Arizonian escaped. Next the Minnesotan went up. Just before he was shot, he cried out:

EARTHQUAKE!

Again the rebels scrambled for cover, and the Minnesotan escaped. Finally, the Floridian stepped up to the wall. As the rebels took aim to shoot him dead, he screamed at the top of his voice:

FIRE!