A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to start jettisoning cargo to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol.

"Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.

"More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving.

They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I burped and a house blew up!"

An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them. He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" And again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. Little Indian tell truth, I no punish." So the Indian asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

The littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff. "

The old Indian then shakes him, spanks him, does everything he can to punish him. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down."

Alright, so a Texan, Mexican, Englishman and Frenchman are all flying to someplace. There's some mountains up ahead and the plane's a little heavy and can't climb over them, so the pilot gets onto the intercomm and says," Attantion all passengers, there's some mountains up ahead but we're too heavy to fly over them, so we need three of you four to jump out if we want to survive.

The Englishman walks over to the planes door, throws it open, shouts, "God save the queen!" and jumps out.

The Frenchman walks up to the door, shouts, "Viva La France!" and jumps out.

The texan then walks towards the door, shouts "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out of the plane.

i heard that one before but instead its:

there is a plane about to crash and the pilot says to the 4 passengers you must prove your honor as loyal citizens of your nations,

the brit jumps out 'god save the queen'

the frenchie jumps out 'viva la france'

and the german says 'for mine fuheur(spl?)' and chucks out the jew

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

grrr no commentary! :( second offense! heh


blargh

These three men went into business together and the first one said:

"I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president
and chairman of the board."

"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm
appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner.
"What's that make me?"

The chairman said,

"I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."

"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man,

"but what does it mean?"

"It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."

Women are just like orange juice cartons. Its not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is.

It's getting those fucking flaps to open!

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.

"How lovely, dear," she said. "What's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you," he said simply.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache," answered his wife.

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her.

"I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no.

Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."